ODE TO ELIZABETH Nee McCalla BOLTON

On 18th July 1927 Elizabeth McCalla was born.  My Grandmother.  She prided herself being royalty hahahaha.  As she was born the same year as the Queen and was graced with the name Elizabeth.

There are so many stories to give you about this woman, but she was classy, graceful and had the spirit of no one I know.  The same spirit she passed down to myself as she took over the mantle of bringing me up, as my mother had three of us, one after the other.  My Grandmother stepped in and said Valerie is mine.  

My Grandmother was a shrewd operator, but also a big softee at heart, not that anyone would know it.  She said exactly what she was going to do and put up with the crap, but in the end the crap made sure it had to live with her, not her living with it. 

After coming to the UK in the Windrush era, she settled down in North London - Harringay and brought over her children, |Ronald Bolton, Violet Maxfield and then at the age of 48 she had Sharon Bolton in the United Kingdom.  I know 48, shock bloody horror, who does that?  But yes, she did...Love that woman, talk about gound breaker hahahahahaha.

As I said she worked as a Nurse for years and took the hearts of so many people and was a stalwart in her church in Stoke Newington.  

She moved moved from Harringay to Hackney, taking myself and Sharon with her and we resided in Colvestone Crescent and Mildmay Grove before deciding in 1976 to imigrate back to her homeland of Jamaica.  She had meticulously with her husband Mr Bolton (my PAPA) and built their dream 5 bedroom home lavishing in Willowdene, Spanish Town.  It was all full of ex-pats from the UK, USA and CAN|ADA.

My Gran was so strict.  |Even if a boy stared at me, she called him out.  She would shout fromn the vernandah 'Is what you looking at eeh'.  She is not a dog, she is not interested' Go away'.  Now imgine that in Jamaican Patois and the look to go with it!!! Lol not many boys looked in my direction.  She was so coy at not letting on, that she knew about my crush on my first ever childhood romance from a distance.  I used to hang out with boy every girl wanted in my area.  He was the dead look like for the original young Michael Jackson.  He cme from a well to do family and he was adorable.  We shared everything, we just hang and shoot the breeze, taught me to ride a motorbike all before the age of 14 on the rough roads of Jamaica.

Oh did I forget to say, yes my Grandmother took me way with her to Jamiaca and there I stayed and ws chooled until my return on my 16th birthday.  4 and half years of great eye opening wisdom in the West Indies.  At first, I hated it.  I felt cheated that my other siblings were left behind, so why me?  But in hindsight, it was the best thing that ever happened in my life.  I got to grow with a difference, a sense of humbleness, not being spoilt with things I could have in the UK. Don't get me wrong I was certainly well off in Jamaica, more than some, but I learnt to achieve and do things with the use of the mind and simplicity.  

BACK TO THE  STORY

So Keithin, my childhood crush was a tad older than me but he was the true gentleman.  My Gran got on with his family and little did I know they were grooming me to be his girl.  I was going to be the one.  Keithin was wild, adventurous, a traveller, an awesome guy.  To be honest it was like living in the sunshine, by sea daily, being children turning into adults, not a care in the world.   typical Movies 4+ on the sky channel.  Then one day I was told he was going away for a while to the America. I was heartbroken, but as time went by he wanted to come home, by then there was a full blownscale political war going on in Jamica in the 80's and after watching my best friend being shot one day after school, I finally demanded to come home to the UK.

Luckily before I left I got the chance to see Keithin and betrothed that I would be back and we will get together.  So off  I gointo the sunset and we would write letters to each other and loved from a distance.  I still have those letters somewhere in my loft.  A few years later, I got a letter letting me know that Keithin had been killed in a motorbike accident.  I cannot explain my devastation but I will save that for another story, but my Gran made me know, she knew and hoped he was going to be her son-in-law and all this time we were keeping it quiet she knew.  That ws the perception of this woman God rest her soul.

She ensured I was in church every day of the week.  I| sang from the age of 6 and was a child singing prodigy back then.  God knows what happened to me now (as I roll my eyes).

Anyway, she was really strict and made sure that my dreams were never distracted, that my dreams were achievable.  That no matter what anyone threw at me, I can overcome them regardless of the pain.

I watched my Mum (gran, but I called her Mum), in pain for as long as I can remember.  She had an accident in the early seventies in the Hospital where she worked, almost breaking her ankle, but she never ever got it treated right and it became her worst nightmare in the latter part of her life.  It hinder her to no end.  (That's why you should always check out any injuries, for as time goes on it will become arthritic and cause problems\).

Mum had heart ailments, but was in Church speaking to the youths, guiding them, taking them in like a refuge.  The amount of young ladies that she had taken under wings are countless.  These ladies are now pillars of their community, here in the UK, USA and Canada.  Her energy and devotion for these youths never waivered.

Her compassion, was boundless. She was feisty, direct, but it worked. 

She loved me with all her heart and it showed.  She ensured I got into the best schools and I passed with flying colours.  She encouraged my endevours when I opened up the first community centre in Spanish Town for the youngsters to do things and supported me when no one else would.

Going back to a little story, which is not pleasant.  I can't give it too much of the story away as it will hurt the people or remind these people what they did to her, but my Gran owned a house in Colvestone Crescent and as I said she would take in lodgers/family.  

I recall my poor Grandmother being set upon by members of the family calling her names, due to jealousy and spreading malicious gossip about her.  Family meetings were held and she tried to fight her corner to disperse the jealousy coming from her own flesh and blood, but to no end.  This prompted my poor Mum to sell up and come back to her homeland.  I watched as she was spat at from her sibling's children and I could do nothing about it, but watch, as I was too young to even say anything.  But what I do recall was her silence, her strength to look to god, not hate her family and keep it moving.  I knew deep down she was hurting.  I knew deep down she was not going to stoop and I knew deep down she did not want to let me see how weak and hurt she was.

What I did was to not ever associate with that part of the family.  To be honest I do not think they even recall doing these awful things to her, they were children and all but one of her siblings have now departed this world, so to save their embarassment I'll say as little as possible, but that has lived and scarred me forever and I have never ever forgotten and find it hard to forgive them, as she has.

Now that she has passed on 5th November 2017 all the memories are flooding in and the tears won't stop flowing, but her death has opened the floodgate and some great childhood memories, I am looking forward to writing about.  

I can't write anymore, as I cannot see the screen or the keyboard through my tears and the words are starting to sound so muffled in my head due to the pain of not being able to pick up that phone and hear her voice shouting 'Valerie is that you?  Hello, Hello' in her strong jamaican accent. 

Thank you for reading.  

R.I.E.P Mum 

LOVE IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER

                                               LOVE IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER

It's been a few weeks since I last wrote my blog. So much has happened, so where do I start.

Firstly, I have to go back on my own words and quote 'NEVER SAY NEVER'.  NO, I am not back on the sauce (booze to those who do not use cockney slang) lol. Still got my Valerie M sober CHIP, gosh how many weeks is that now, no wait MONTHS....YES MONTHS!!

I have had a few days when the tremors almost came back.  But I stood up to the challenge.  My heart saw what it wanted, tried to fight the feelings, almost succumbed to the need, but knew I had come too far to go back to what made me unhappy and live in a bottle.  

I have had to knuckle down and do some serious soul searching, thought I was going crazy at one point.  We are not crazy species, unless we allow ourselves to be overtaken by other peoples indecencies towards you.  The paranoia that you are no longer worthy, you've lost it and shutting out the world is cause for concern.  I do have my down moments, but not for long, as I there are so many people worse off than myself, that I haven't got the time to wallow in self pity.  Maybe I should, give myself a break, but if I do, who helps me.  I have to help myself, only I can help myself plus you have to want to help yourself.  It's call belief. 

Just recently I have read articles about very popular people in the press, who have lived their lives in the open but behind closed doors been dealing with demons of a serious nature.  Some living with Mr Daniels, (I thought Jack was my boyfriend, but looks like he is every bodies boyfriend AND girlfriend too to baxside) lol. 

We just lost Chris Cornell great artist, but did you now he drank hard for years to suppress his demons?  Look at Aaron Lennon, prolific footballer, that when the stress of his career took it's toll he had to be sectioned and there are so many more with mental health issues. I looked up to the sky and said, 'Lord, if only people knew the struggle to get by some days and how my strength and belief has been truly tested even now, how I am keeping out of the Lions Den, only you know  I thank you Lord'.  I had to make that my mantra. WHY?

I am not an addictive person, (who am I kidding, I smoked for years hahahaha) but I used alcohol as a crutch to cope with a broken heart and every time I think I have reached the road where the heart has let go and let life be, the devil sends back some shit to test my resolve.  HOW SO.  He brought back the love of my heart.  I thought he had gone, we had called our last shots and said goodbyes, but NOPE somewhere the universe wants us to work this shit out.  NOOOOOOOOOOOOO.  

This time, I had to remember that I am the ONE, not him.  I am in control, NOT HIM.  It's about ME, not him.  No matter what he thinks of you, I AM ME and do not change to fit around him.  Easy to say or write, but when he came calling, boy did I know what to do with myself? I was a bumbling wreck.  

Have you ever had all these things you want to say and when faced with the perfect moment, all you can do is shut the fuck up and smile.  Whilst inside you are churning up with questions of WHY, HOW COULD YOU, I DON'T WANT YOU, but yet you do????

You can't resist their smile, their laughter, their touch, just everything and when they are gone, you feel totally useless as you let yourself down for not standing up to those feelings.   

I stood up to the feelings as long as I physically could and I gave in just a little, but this time I kept my dignity.  I had so much swirling in my head that I almost felt physically sick and nearly ran for Jack, but my bestie who happened to be with me for the weekend, had to say keep this shit together girl. 

I cried like a baby, when he left, as we got on like a house on fire and a lot of things were discussed, but I knew deep down I could never trust Hitsheet m again, no matter what he said or my heart wanted, I could forget, but my mind would not allow me to forgive.

In the past month, I have spoken and seen him a few times, but each day I find it so much easier to resist the texting, making contact and I feel so good for it.  When we do meet, I realise it's not what I want. I still ache and ask the question should I give this a go, but I know it is the wrong decision.  The torment I have been through in my life, I know I was not saved from a life threatening illness to live like this or be hated by other people for my choices in life.  

I have lost friends through this terrible situation, which to be fair, if I treated these people the way they have treated me when their chips were down, I'd be a shame of myself.  I could never see people go without, but yet they would happily see me fall flat on my face.  

It's okay I forgive them all, as there is nothing I can do and I do not want to change perceptions.  I have to live for  myself.  If I am needed, I can be called upon.  

I met someone recently and I think he can tell I am not ready to face the world and to give love, as I am so sheltered and not willing to share for the fear of my openness being rejected.  He is so lovely and I wish I could reciprocate.  He is everything I actually need and want, teaching me how to love again and Love me again, but am I ready?  How can I be when I won't cut the cord to the past.

I have decided though for my sanity sake, not to text or make any form of contact as I m not the Bank of England and i'm done playing the fool. 

So, as I reach the 5 months milestone of no booze, I am happy to stay in my lonely existence and concentrate on my music and keep myself fit and healthy as love is only just around the corner.  

Another beautiful day has risen and I'm feeling so anxious, emotional but blessed at at the same a lot to take in if I put my hand on heart.

When I first started writing this blog, I was weary how much of myself I was hanging out to dry, (being dry the right word), How would I come across to people, am I attention seeking? Well after a long deliberation with myself, I realise that without being able to put down the crosses I had to solely bear behind closed doors, I would sink further into a bottle, comfort eat, not leaving my home, alienating people out my life, all for the fear and of what I felt I had become in the last few years. Being misunderstood by some, hated upon for being myself, gaining weight that won't shift, myn self respect being tarnished allowing situations or people I would not tolerate even on a last man earth day, showed I had hit rock bottom.

How I could I BE POISON? Those are the last words uttered to me from my drunken past by someone, whom was one of the catalyst that took me over the edge. It hit me so hard, hurtful and on a another day I would have taken it all on board, grabbed Jack Daniel for comfort and start a war of words in defence. But I had to take it on the chin, its sour grapes and as I knew they now are feeling the backlash of what I left behind months ago, it really was the past.  I HAD GROWN!!!

I know I've never done anything unintentionally to anyone. There were days, I'd wake after a good night out and my phone had so many messages, only to realise I had drunk texted to the point of "do I remember shit?" 😂😂😂  Pardon the pun "White Gril Wasted" as my white girlfriends called me. lol. Sorry I should'nt laugh, but I'm done punishing myself for that crazy phase. I have some stories that would make your hair curl and leave you running for the toilet.  You'll need to have nappies for that read...

Then there was the days when, I've gone out for one drink cane back minus bits of clothing, body sore, God knows where I'd fallen as I got wasted' no MASH UP (hand over my eyes). Apparently been seen crying in parties, like f#%k do I remember why!! 😳😳.  Give me Brandy and I became a cry baby.  But it was my pain all the angry silence I was carrying, but showing outside the biggest smile.

But as I write and a tear drops, I've stayed on the path of  not looking back to Jack and his friend Coke with Ice. No urge to hit the bottle when the mists rises in my head when missing the past resentment, anger, feelings  of loss and the urge to binge.

Today is 3 months and I'm writing again, cause I;m finally renovating ny home,  building a new home recording room, keeping busy as the new means all have an end game.  My fuck it bucket is was so full and now, I'm doing all those things I have sat and said "I soooo want to do that".  Well I am doing it.

Being an artist, sometimes we don;t get the chance to do the touristy things as our creativity has us dreaming, writing, acting to show passion and share commonly with the world.  It does not make me a prima donna, far from it.  I work hard and still maintain the music, so instead of getting my heart broken with people I am used to dealing with, I have gone back to basics.  I'm just too honest for my own good.

I don't know about you, but I've never battled weight in my life. I have been fortunate enough to eat what I like. But As the days grew and Jack was my new boyfriend, good food went out the window and self loathing took residence. I refused to take any grief counselling. I threw myself into more toxicity and finally nothing fitted in my wardrobe. I felt ugly, no self worth.

How did I get there? Me, confident VAL?? I'm not having this or that!! The will power was hard to come by, but I had the love of my bestie in Manchester, who kept me on the path, when we both had sleepness nights we shared long hours of phone conversations,.  (What the hell do we have to talk about for almost 5 hours sometimes???), she couldn't sleep fearing I'd fall off my end game, but I am made of stronger stuff than that.  I took the time out and healed.

I didn't fall and  today through my tears I am back and stronger and helping others who have found themselves worse off than me.

I'm not sure how I turned the corner and I've not once felt i need a drink. As friends went out to celebrate, there I'm doing a yoga class and I feel so rejuvenated and ready for the years to come but it's one day at a time.

Yesterday was a great time to reflect too, as a friend of mine laid her mum to rest. There are no words to comfort anyone when there is loss. I was really worried for her, as drink is her comfort. Her friends network is amazing and we'll all  stand by and let her know she's not alone especially now that both parents are gone.

It was a terrible day but one that made me truly grateful. I got home and prepared my next radio shows for the Ester. I've smiled, I've danced and just found out I've lost 4kg in 2 weeks.

I can only be honest today, I don't care who sees me as a lesser person,but I am not a VICTIM I'm a survivor.

I'm still sticking my fingers up to the traitors and non believers as I'm pissing on my own grave,not them.  The rebel is back and damn does it feel good to have that swag and confidence.

So song of the day is 'Cranes In Sky' by Solange.  I pissed it up, I sexed it up, I fucked it up, I cursed you fuckers and now my life is like Cranes in the sky.

I'm no longer angry, I'm at peace with me. There's more to this story, part two coming soon.

Thanks for reading I really appreciate it.

#3 MONTH SOBRIETY


Happy Easter beautiful people.

Why do we do it?

Scenario:

You get the early morning texts, 'Good Morning (babes, bubs, baby, Queen, Lover) have a great day (lots of kisses).  Like clockwork, you don't even need an alarm for it.

This goes on for a few weeks, months if your lucky..Lol.

Then familiarity breeds contempt...You don't respond quick enough, so the text messages get later and later, lol the messages have less kisses and then it's no kisses at all.

Now Men and Women, this is to all of you. Tell me I am wrong?!!!

Cause it is a proven fact.  Yep, experienced it. In the end, you have to give Sugar hahahahahaha.

What do I mean by Sugar? Well, you are so cheesed off the person is not responding how you want them to respond, so you are getting well anxious through the day and checking the phone, why haven't they texted yet, till you find yourself dropping a text to say 'What the hell', but sent as 'hey how you doing (baby, hunny, bubs, baba) are you ok?'  hahahahahahahahahah.  Just so you can get a response.

You see we take each other for granted, serve us right hahahahah.  Cause when the interest is in you and you like it, no you love it, we can take it for granted, but when it is not reciprocated by the interestee, that's when you start to notice and the brain goes into over drive wondering where is your normal text.  Is he/or she losing interest?  Now you want to know how come you're no longer special hahahahah, too batty hole...

Folks it works both ways.  No one has the given right to be chased, but I can say that we don't want to come across as easy, so we play the games of not giving away too much too early, scared we'll be walked all over and game over.  Seen so many games played by texts it's not funny.  My last relationship was dealt with by text purely and I can tell you in the fact be I became a verbal text abuser. Texts upon texts (as I pull my hands over my eyes), worse yet when I used to have Jack Daniels in me (now that don't sound right, but it felt good though hahahahahahahaha).  Valerie naughty, behave.

I'm old school so I like the courting and talking, preferably by phone, as texting can get lost in the feel good translation.  Too many times the things that come out in a text, especially the affairs of the heart, only gets lost in different emotions.  We could save ourselves so much broken relationships, by being honest and calling each other up or face to face better yet.

And don't be telling me you have a Pay As You Go Phone....What in this day and age or a basher phone that looks like it needs to be transported back to the past..(kmt..)???  If I see another one of you coming up to me with any of the options above, you will get the black stare and blanked into high heaven.  Don't be so damn cheap and expecting me to call you with a one ring...feisty and bright!!

So why do we do it, conduct relationships through text.  Is the phone sexing you too? I can't imagine my Iphone giving me any pleasure down there can you?  Actually don't even answer that, cause there are some seriously, seriously not normal deviants out there and Christ only knows what they get up to behind closed doors when they ain't got no fanny bits to touch (snigger).... Stop it, stop it, I can hear you...😂😂😂😂🙊

So yeah, Why Do We DO It...talk up man, talk up, I can't hear you...What you rather show your feelings through the phone than call up the person and say 'I am feeling you, you know!!'.  Or 'Come On Over to my Place'...now imagine the energy in that and the passion saying those words!! You got nothing to lose trust me...it's words, but it's how you say it..It will strike a chord and get a conversation going.

So next time when you get a new relationship, or you are still stuck in the one you are in, how about picking up the phone and saying 'Hi Babe, how's your day been?'...Then your babe will know exactly how you are feeling....

Let the conversation begin....

I love music, any kind of music, FOOTBALL is my religion

The radio is full blast, just in from yoga, (damn I hurt), the sunshine is lovely @ 10am and time for the day to really begin.

Been on the phone/iPad talking about new recording sessions, ideas, (exciting times). Music just revitalises every fibre of my being. But I've had days where just the tingle of a spoon falling to the floor, upset me. 🙃😳 I know right!!!

My equilibrium was not on point, as I kiss my teeth😤

Today my beloved Spurs are looking to extend their unbeaten run to 7 games unbeaten, 9 or is it 11 points clear of the prentenders no Squatters of North London Arsenal (arsewipes to the real supporter of football).  The scum of North Lobdon are just shite. They beat the other scum of West Ham in mid week, but who the hell is West Ham Spam? 😂😂😂. Anyone can beat them right now, Hull did, right on Par with Arsenal. Oh how the so called mighty have fallen. loool.

We've got injuries galore, Sissoko is shite, but we're still holding on tight. Chelsea are lucky,  actually they do play alright football but no flare like the mighty Spurs. 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾😉

Got to decide do I stay wrapped up instead, shop till I drop, as amongst it all, I'm renevating my home, buying DJing equipment, as well as stuff for the band too. Merchandise has come through really excited about my new T shirts love them and other little items, GO MAXFIELD.

Finish off the next Mixcloud rare groove show.  Hope I'll  get some new listeners, whilst I continue to build the new format I'm trying to create. Bloody takes time it does, but hopefully will work once I'm set up.no bedroom ting you know!!!😂😂

My cat, is trying to get some love from me whilst typing, and the little bugger bit my toe cause I wouldn't get off the Pad (Beatch). WTF.   He's lucky I don't throw him out the door feisty. But that's how needy he is. Reminds me of someone🤔 Or am I in love with my Ipad😂😂😂😂

Bloody brains ran off to a different thought ha mhahaga.

Music is still cranked, the Gardner has turned up too, can't stand The lawnmower but it has to be done. He looks at me ogling!! You'll be lucky mate, I'd rather sex me cat, than your tired arse!!😳 But it doesn't help I'm standing in over knee socks and a short jumper??? If you hear on the news a Gardner had a heart attack gardening, it's because he saw a pussy 🙊🙈😹😹😹 😂😂😂😂🙈🙊😄. Alright I'm behaving. Cut the grass already!!

So back to the music, as I shake that arse (I'm sure there's another song in there somewhere??😉😁), my what's app pings, it's my date for tonight!! 😉😉😉. Yep buddy can't wait to see moi later to day,  coochie coo!!! Who says that? He does!!😳🙃. I think I'm not liking him already 🙊🙈😹😹🙃.

Too much going on for one morning. I know I've  just recorded F1 I'm gonna climb on the sofa and watch that first, footie next and decide the day after.

Girls I've got a date (singing along), and I can't wait, I can't be late (tune in the radio)!!!!

Oh text just in 'ARE YOU GOING TO GLOWING WHITE PARTY? Ummm my answer Is AM I FUCK, wouldn't be seen dead with any of those mothersuckers. 😂😂😂. Drum and bass is the lick tonight with the living and not with vampires!!! 😂😂😂😂

Have a great day ya'I'll busy busy busy.

SOBRIETY the spice of life. 8/4/17

Excerpt from this weeks blog:  SOBRIETY is the spice of life.

                         

10 weeks no alcohol and Im ecstatic. Oh my God. I actually cannot see myself even returning to the madness of drinking because I felt broken. If and it's a big if, I would only touch alcohol to celebrate my birthday and even then I really don't need to.

I've got mojo back. Had a slight blip last week where I really missed my EX (the pile of tripe), then realised it was Aprils Fools day so used it as an excuse to justify my void and contacting him. Went as far to say I missed him!!! Eeeew (I lost my mind, I know, I know). Then my phone rang and it was my new interest that made me realise STOP IT, you're doing fab.

Yes, I'm not proud of it, but quickly got a grip and now back on track. (As I shudder, the thought that I made him feel important and me needy pisses me off. Plus I'm only human, after all).

This week though, I had to use my expertise of my past pain, to assist two very kind friends, who have literally fallen on their own swords.

1 friend whilst on holiday lost her and mum to a heart attack and my 2nd friend was attacked whilst st work. Both reached out for my help.

I looked up to the sky in tears when my friend cried her heart out for her mother, my stomach wrenched in pain as I felt that sorrow after my loss of my brother.

It was not easy to say be strong, but it's not easy for her to do it, as her dad died years ago so she's orphaned bar a bigger brother. My friend is gorgeous, full of life, 32 and is hilarious and at times quite child like. Can you imagine, she lives at home with mum, now she lives in emptiness of her shadow😔.

Each day, all I can do is listen as telling someone what to do is not what they need. They just want to talk and cry, so you let them.

My only words were take the shoulders that are being offered to you right now. As when the door closes and the funeral is over, you are left alone to get on with life. That's when the pain really begins.

I know loneliness, even though I'm not lonely per say, but when your heart has been wrapped around someone you love for so long, how do you just let it go just so? In my case, I'm still work in progress, but I know NO MATTER HOW MUCH I MISS THAT BIT OF SHIT, I will not allow myself to make contact again. I ended it, it's time let it stay ended and not try to force him back.

The worse thing he's dating a former friend of mine, so there you have it. She wanted what I had, now she's welcome to him and all the other women he has in tow when she's back home in her sunny land away from England. But that's no longer my problem.

Oh dear enough about 👆🏽That or them.. 🙈🙊😂😂. Am I ranting, sour grapes?? Nah I'm entitled to say it, without hurting. I just love Karma. 😂😂😂

So my picture quote for the day sums up love in different ways and to celebrate my 10 weeks of wonderful sobriety.

YOU TOOK ME OUT OF YOUR SKY, SO I TOOK YOU OUT OF MY UNIVERSE.

Umm very subtle, sad, but to the point these words.  What do these words mean to you?

These words hit me very hard when I first read them, as sometimes you have to say enough is enough, this is the end. 

How many of us find ourselves holding onto Toxic relationships or things?  When do you know it is toxic?  How far do you have to find yourself before you let go?  Are you happy with your job?  This quote can be taken in so many ways, not necessarily relationship wise

I saw this from various different angles, but the most poignant one, was saying goodbye to someone who took my heart in so may ways, that I felt that when I said goodbye, my world had ended.  

I'm going to share my point of view on this.....I hope you can appreciate

I didn't see that the person was clouding my vision, my personality (actually ruined my character, I will never been looked at as credible in various circles anymore, as people felt that I had dated way below my standard) and I had dropped my standards, cause I felt something for someone that overtook all my reasoning and being. Yep It was Love.

When I look back, I hated that I was not in control, I dumbed myself down to fit in with their personality, when on a normal day I wouldn't even give them the time of day.  I despised that I knew every lie that came out of his mouth, but I felt powerless to contradict it, when as you guessed it, on a normal day, I would have challenged it.  I kept quiet, for the fear of showing my real personality or better yet an argument or alienating them.  The worse thing is knowing that my personality does not suffer fools gladly.  

I asked myself when I finally did let go, (which by then I had drank myself into a stupor, almost losing my career, my family, friends and lastly my dignity), 'What did you see in him and why did he have such a power over you?  Was you in such a low place that he got the better of you?'  

Well to be fair, when I did meet the little blighter, I was grieving of a loss and was lonely.  He came at a time I needed some attention, only to learn way down the line, and I mean waaaaay down the line, he was already a serialist cheater, liar, a deviant and preyed on unsuspecting souls that had no clue of his indecency.  He actually thought he was clever. (As she rolls her eyes to the sky)  

I had already succumbed to his legacy, but my alarm bells did go off on our first date, when he tried to kiss me after the pictures and I point blank refused, as I did not fancy him at all.  He was not happy and even commented 'Really'?  I was like 'Yeah really' It is only the pictures mate, not a trip to Monaco on a Yacht!!! (blink blink). Is what him take this thing for?? KMT. 

As time went on, things were forced on his terms and we never ever got back on a decent footing. 

I believe looking back, that if I was not in the position I was in, I would have definitely handled this relationship on different terms.  I wouldn't have chased nor allow him to chase me or even be in the same space.  I wouldn't have allowed it to go as far as it did with people even getting wind we were involved, as I would have shut it down and kicked him to the kerb where he really belonged. 

I was also self medicating at the time through a haze of alcohol, due to my brother passing, so I was low and I couldn't get a grip.  I used to flip my lid and do all sorts of mad drunk texting, not even realising the next day, how much of a meltdown I had had and was so unhappy with the situation. I used to get it, when I couldn't take his ways.  In hindsight, if I had just got a grip and spoken to him properly face to face maybe he would have understand how unhappy he was making me and taking me for granted, but instead I lambasted him, through long winded texts and the real message got lost in translation.

Alas, I was hooked and it took ages to unhinge those crab claws away from my Scorpio back and fill the holes with Valerie gumption.  That strong amazonian gumption.  

HEY don't feel sorry for me, I still kept it together, still did my thang. I chupidly kept going back, every time we broke up until I got strong enough to say no more.  I can't blame him, as I only can take responsibility for myself. 

Funny, I was telling my mum, that he'd hurt me again, but now he's gone.  My Mum said 'How many times are you going to keep taking that shit on your shoes back in the house?  I'm fed up now of the smell of the shit, aren't you?  Hahahahahahahahahahaha  'Mum!! really, this is somebodies child you are referring to'.  Her response was 'And you are my Child and nobody gets the better of MY CHILD'.  Yep that was me told.

I am sure it has happened to many of us and the lengths we have put up with either their abuse, violence, mistrust, lies, pain and more importantly losing yourself, all for the attention and love of that person. 

I found that even trying to get back into the dating world, he cock blocked my every move, without even knowing it, as I was comparing them to him!  Comparing what?  I must've been mad.  We didn't go on holidays, we didn't go out for meals, we didn't go out socially and even if we were out socially we were apart. (work that one out!!!).  So what the hell did I think I was going out with?  You guessed it, MYSELF.  You can imagine my brain doing overtime.  I got used to the scenario, but why get used to things when (not being boastful) I have an army of admirers banging on my door.  Sadly, I was not ready to date until I could relate how the fart I had wasted the last 2 and half years.  

You see when you hit a brick wall, and you've tried everything to let them know how you feel, the feelings gets lost in translation as they are no listening, thier heads are turned, it's all about them and there is no compromise. It is not love!!! It's about their insecurity and the control they need to bring you to heel.  That's when you know it's time to go.

Love does hurt folks, when you lose someone to death, or watching a love one suffer, love of your pet, many things.  Love should not bring you to your knees and allow you to lose all self control for someone who does not love you.  Unfortunately, some of us do.  

Don't feel bad, don't beat yourself up. You have to go through these things to make you a better person and/or share when others are in that said position, to let them know they are not alone and there are greater days ahead. We can only speak from experience. 

You can still love someone from a distance, you just don't need to have them in your existence.  

So when they decide to take you out of their sky, TAKE THEM OUT OF YOUR UNIVERSE.  

In Denial

I'm a massive over thinker at times, then at times, it just goes right over my head.  Sometimes I wish I could turn off that grinder that keeps me thinking all sorts of predictions and contradictions.

90% of my thinking process, believe it or not, comes true. Strong Gut instincts but the 10% is the one that sometimes gets me into trouble. lol I mean big trouble.

With the above said, I have watched things around me transpire, that I never thought was happening to others. I just thought it was little old me.  But no, you are never alone in things that happens to you.  The Universe has a way of putting you through things, however bizarre they are, which makes you feel you are the only ones going through it.  That's why there are so many Counsellors and Therapists galore. But you are wrong, you are not alone!!

I think that in order to help someone else, you have to experience life in all its hurts, glory, happiness, pain, warts and all to be able to share or shed light on other people's plight, or understand their thought process, spiritually and from an non-bias point of view.

I find that we hid a lot of our plights because of the fear of looking bad in front of others.  But do you know that those others too are fronting and would love to share, but don't want to look bad in front of you too.  What a vicious circle!!!  Maybe, we should just feel the person first, get an infinity of transparency and honesty, that way if the mouth begins to speak, you'll feel safe that that person is actually listening, regardless of the astonishment of what is going on with you, as you seem all together, but they will empathise, not judge and offer a word of encouragement.

My thought for today was, I became one of those people, well I am one of those people that keeps a lot inside.  ( You wouldn't think that, as I blatantly write a blog daily).  I choose what I need to say, when to say it and the implications it may have, whilst writing the blog.  All in honesty I might add.  The rest of the private lives stuff is mine to decipher.  But of late where keeping it all in almost sent me doolally, I had to offload.  I had to take time out and stop overthinking and taking on everyone else's problem.  Being the carer and the problem fixer.  I had run out of steam and no matter what I did to rejuvenate I fell dead flat, running on air.  It's called 'SURVIVAL MODE'.

I was told that I was living like that a few years back when I was given 24 hours to live, in a coma for 4 and half months and survived by the grace of god, a great Doctor who did everything to keep me alive in St Thomas' Hospital for 10 months, until I could walk, talk and clean my arse again...MMMMMM let me stop while I ponder!!!! (Heavy Sigh).

Anyway, the doctors upon release said 'Valerie, you will be living in Survival mode for awhile, make sure you speak to someone.  You were institutionalised, not a lot of people survive near death almost gone through the tunnel and live to tell the tale...Valerie take heed'.

Did I?  Did I f**k!!  My mother doesn't even know this.  I left hospital on 10th October and on 18th October with my zimmer frame I was transported with my frail body onto a plane to Budapest and did my first gig with a walking stick all 5 stones of me......(shaking my bloody head).

That was then, the point I am trying to make is this keeping everything in can kill you or bring you to the point of a breakdown, if you are not careful.  Luckily when it all came on top a few months back, I was able to lean on a friend.  We speak to each other every day to talk business and lo and behold she has held my hand through the Sobriety (I shouldn't have been drinking in the first place you know!! These damn relationships), then when I was totally taken advantage off.  She has been there.  I've had friends who had seen me off my trolley, but instead of asking, they judged and discarded me, when I needed them.  I don't begrudge them, as I know deep down I have been with them through every trial and tribulation, but when I needed them, they scorned, alienated and tried to ridicule, instead of understanding.

I smiled it through for the world, but this one friend, she knew and stopped to listen.  She didn't judge, she didn't cast me aside and thought, your no longer my hero.  You are not positive'  But guess what I was positive all the way through, as I didn't allow myself to falter, I admitted, looked into myself and each day when the tears wanted to fall reminding me of what I had been through, I smile to myself and said don't worry, there was a message in this all and you have now received it.

Have a fantabulous day or evening when you read my blog.

Peace Out.

Where's the music gone?

A beautiful venue, audacious, stunning, hard working upper and middle class working people, that look forward to putting on their best clobber and getting their groove on only to be duped, yes duped by promoters, the DJ or the organisation.

Let me start with the promoters. In this day and age it is soooo blooming hard to find a venue that will cater for a mixture of black and white people, mainly black people. (Now before anyone says I'm racist, read and not perceive what I'm saying, as I'm far from that and I'm not political at that.), but it's darn true. The venues that are on offer do a disservice to promoters putting some events on. They book these wine bars, charge ridiculous prices with stipulations, which promoters jump through hoops to achieve, only for the Venue to pull the plug on the promoter halfway through night, leaving disgruntled good paying party goers.

Then you have the promoters, who don't give a flying two shites about the paying public. Puts out false advertising and don't deal with the matter after either by over selling or undersold tickets, but let's just advertise take everyones Money, money, money

Some promoters find swanky venues, puts on a ball/function which looks of calibre, with the typical pictures of grandeur to again appeal to the general upper/middle class echelons, who want to have a decent night with or without partner and are expecting what these promotions are saying.

The put a Big DJ line up, saying the cream of the crop, (as I roll my eyes), with top cuisine (double roll my eyes) and entertainment (bull crap, it's either comedy or singing ffs)🙄🤔😤. And sometimes the quality is piss poor, but seems good on paper.

So you fork out 1/3 of your rent/mortgage to get tickets, outfit, transportation blah de blah de da, only for the whole pack of shite to over run, sometimes food that could run a pigs belly, the entertainment drier than a packet of pork cracklings 😖.

Then when the music starts, what is it with Luther Vandross' tunes to get the old foot them moving. Not all of us are in spandex and wearing arthritis bracelets you know 🙈😂😂😳

So these 'cream of the crop DJ's' get on their little pedestals and play flipping Bollocks tunes. You have a room of stunning people shuffling from side to side, cause this so called BIG Dj is supposed to pluck out some gems, like when they play in the house dances or radio, but instead, each one comes on and plays the worse flipping let's get hyped tunes you'"" ever hear. It's like no homework was done, they just assume I'm going to rival the next DJ by playing the same as him, thinking he's got a twist, when the only twist is the knobs he's turning too backside and forgetting the people desperate to feel a vibe.

WHY OH WHY ARE YOU CONNING THE PEOPLE.? Come on do your homework, drop rare grooves, drop current tunes in the soul charts, people do listen to the proper radio stations not just pirate,  mix it up. The poor womens' feet are in sandals/flats within the first half hour of raving!! Why? Cause their standing still and shuffling instead of actually shaking what god gave them.

Last night point in question! A pack Mansion the last DJ for night only played decent tunes 45 minutes before it was to end!!!😳 5 Hours of same tripe in one room until the last Dj, starts to play 45 minutes near the end of good tunes.

The other room was constantly packed, that was supposed to be Afro beat, reggae, well it won hands down and I still thought the music was mind numbing.

I'm not saying I know better, but Promoters, think carefully before you book artistes and Dj's. visualise, not speculate,  don't just pick by names, pick by their crowd pleasing music. Dj's you fluff it time and time again. You carry on like your Pete Tong and you get it monumentally wrong when you hit the decks. What stage fright? Bugger off back to your virtually decks in your bedrooms mate, your nicking my money.

Lastly Promoters, IF you are going to pick decent DJS instead of every named DJ, at least let them play. not go over schedule and we don't get to hear our favourite Dj's when you've let the early drosses come on and over kill and play. Jesus..when will someone put a stop to this?!!!!

I did however enjoy my last hour of the rave, some random DJ kept the music alive till the bitter end in the Soul Room, no idea who you were, but thank f#%k for that.

After thought 26th March 2017.

As I sit here and watch the beautiful countryside go by, I'm in a reflective mood.

Did you know that you can build up so much anxiety about things and when they finally come to a halt or fruition, your body literally goes into free fall tiredness, as it no longer knows what it needs to do or think. The built up of a situation, is so consuming and when you start to unload and unburden the mind and let go, your body finally says SLEEP.

For weeks I've had two or three hours sleep every day, brain churning, some of it paranoia or over reacting. I guess (I know keep mentioning it), but when you kick alcohol you go into shock or your body does. So dramatically is dangerous I'm told, but I've had no adverse reactions bar the extra pounds, which I'm not happy about, but I'd rather fight to lose the weight, the lose the fight of life. My family needs me.

So, I laid my ghosts to rest and cleared my conscience over the weekend. I watched karma upon karma and felt euphoria, even if it were for 3 hours, but what goes around comes around. I got my mojo back and stood my ground, held my head high and it felt great to party the night away sober, in control and couldn't give a rats arse about nothing. 1st time in 4 years I let go.

I got back to my hotel and my buddy and I sat up talking til the wee hours of the morning about, life, love and music. She's so amazing my friend an entrepreneur, a counsellor, a doer, positive and more importantly beautiful inside and out.  Without this girl, I couldn't have made it through my journey, in the last 7 months.

Every hospital appointment, she made sure I had support, every non drink she applauded, every new song I wrote she commented, the honesty is boundless.

Which brings me to the support I have tried to give back as a friend and advisor, with her new business successfully kicked off this weekend back in Manchester, we whooped it up with pints of Iced Water and looked pretty stunning in our cocktail dresses.

We didn't get much sleep, almost missed my coach, seeing that got to bed at 6.30am and had to be awake by 9am.  Man I made it to the coach station with 2 minutes to spare before it left!!! I'm on my way back to London Town, watching the trees and reflecting on the events that unfolded around me, whilst I danced, laughed, and be me, (no drama, but the odd ridiculous hating stares), I saw first hand the sadness others had to now endure as What they had done to others was now being done to them.

The devil on my left shoulder chuckled in a raucous shudder and 😈  the Scorpio in me revealled in The unhappiness. I felt no remorse. And I will continue not to. But it closed in my life a chapter that brought me nothing but resentment.

I try not to resent but wish every one happiness. The belief in myself is back as I knew I did no wrong, but allowed outside influence to slightly dent my solid armour. The goodness I have tried give over  the years and never once asked for anything back I hope will be remembered one day and that it will prick those people who tried deliberately to discredit me, so they could or try to have what I don't have. I'm a humble girl and will never forget that. I was tested, dug deep and have come through, (baby steps mind you), to turned this corner. I've watched the doubters and morons but most importantly I now just watch myself. As the saying goes, it's great to be right and stay Silent. My journey continues and I hope this blog lets people know never give up on yourself. It's ok to say no!!

Happy Mother's Day you gorgeous female creatures.

Over and out have a smashing sunny Sunday, hope you put those clocks forward. I'm getting home for some well earned sleep.

Everybody loves the Sunshine..

It's beautiful out today. 25th March 2017.

Wish I wasn't so tired though,  ain't slept right for the last few days. I can't even call a Jack Daniels to put me to sleep, cause he's barred for good😂😂😂.

On serious note though it's lovely to get the melanoma going, even if it's a tad chilly but we can deal!!

Meant to be in South West of England last night, but had a last minute recording, knocked that out the ball park, big Jay loving your studios man and now back home packing to taking scrumpy land. Errm well I'm not having scrumpy unfortunately heading into  7 weeks of sobriety, so gotta keep the head clear.

But I just got my new sexy 6 inch heels, dang I can't wait to put my legs into them tonight and  shock the floorboards. Yep, all size 12/14 of my romper and gonna shake, gyrate and dance the night away at this mansion party.

Well I call it another name, but I guess mixing with the local less talents of Londoners embarking on poor Bristol today 🙈🙊 I certainly wouldn't want to call it elegant, but we shall if we must. (Snigger).

So, from time to time I reach or go back to my sort of roots, actually let's just call it, the music I enjoy, the people oi yoi yoi you just have to put blinkers on. Or have a strong constitution to stomach some of them, but I'm learning to blank out their lack of etiquette and just enjoy the music for what it is.

So yeah, it's been a while I'm able to shake this toosh as illness is now ravaging my poor body, so whilst I still got legs I'm gonna shake that arse too.  (Sounds like a song I know🤔😄).

Got some cracking scenic photos of my journey down to Scrumpy land, I lurve the countryside to be fair, bar the cow shit pats 😄😂😂. You

Now, I'm off to shop, pamper, steam, sauna massage, rest and then get ready to tantalise.

Don't forget guys clock goes forward tonight, darn it we lose a flipping hour of raving. Grrrr.  I want my money back 😂😂😊😊 just kidding.

Have a great day ya'll

When Love Comes Calling - Dating sites FFS

Now, I have different friends from all across the world.  Thank God for emailing and yeah I said it social media, as I would get to be a part of these friends lives without these communications.

Now I'm not spilling the beans on my friends love lives, but god damn, The Dating Sites are rife.

What has happened to the days, when you got dressed rocked up to the pub, caught the eye of some juicy bloke/girl and then the games of love begin.

The connection, the conversation, the laughter getting to know each others thoughts, their laughter, their desires (shut up and get your head out of the gutter hahhahahahaha), (well I thought it too, and I'm so far in the gutter, so low me) lol.

Loveis, it has gone...We are sucked in POF (The poor mans version of E-Harmony) hahahahahahahahaha Plenty of Fish, theirs something called Dating Line cha I don't even know and now their Zoosk and Tinder.  Their even Uniform Dating and trust me, them crusty men are not in uniform....(Yes, I looked (as I rolled my eyes, how the hell am I going to give an opinion if I didn't.

Now I got onto one of them sites purely because I kept getting spam mail, clicked on the link and next thing I know, Men are asking me out.   (Really now, look at me, why the hell are you making contact with me?  Then some guy I knew said he saw my picture on a dating site.  Shut the Front Door??!!!  I asked him what site, so I went on and low and behold, no narrative, just picture, wrong age and it tied me into another site for Cougars and pictures of naked men with their dingalings hanging out.

Oh my days, I contacted the admin and asked them to remove me.  They told me I signed up, I said 'Me' don't lie.  Behave, Stop it'.  I then said I have no log in details that the link was sent to me with my picure, so how i evens name do you allow this.  All now I can still hear the tumbleweeds of silence.  Eventually after numerous emails.  My photo got taken down, but no after a barrage of willies of all shape and sizes. (i can assure you I will not be eating sausages for a long time after what I saw eeeew).

Anyway, I logged onto a site, cause I had a friend who did log on and I did not get it.  Actually I have a few friends on them sites, the stories that were told, firstly some horrific, some were hook ups and the others genuinely looking for love.  Neither of my friends had great stories, but one had been on some many dates, with some lush looking men, I thought, let's see what this is all about.

Flaming eck it turns out to use Tinder, you have to have a facebook page!!! You having a flaming bubble mate?  I dabble for a few days with the idea of my page being used for a site, but gave in and low and behold all these dudes.

I did not strike up any conversations, but the idea is for you to swipe in the hope that when you swipe right on the person you like, they feel the same way too.  Like going Bingo mate!!

Well looks like the Universe likes me and I can pick them bang on.  Just that when I chose them bang on, their conversation were drier than toilet paper.  I suppose it didn't help that I was there for curiosity and nowt else, so trying to be truthful and real, proved a tad difficult.  Some looked great, but my god, where is the passion arrrrgh and how can some man cop off at a photo.  One geezeer decided to try and talk to me and trust me I knew he was playing with his todger eeeeee double eewww.

he kept repeating himself in that panting breath way and I literally told him I knew what he was doing, your flipping Banker for christ sake, get a grip (well not literally hahahahahahaha).  Frigging idiot, so I cut him off in the middle of his w&*k and proceeded to answer the lots of messages I had no idea was waiting for me.  Now why didn;t I know cause my phone blings when these messages came in, but I took no note.  Too damn busy too backside worrying about Tinder swipes.

But i did strike up a great conversation with a few musicians, which was great cause we shared the same kindred spirit, but I just felt no spark.

In my experience, I can't get to grips with this dating site malarky.  I think I'm confident to rock up to a bar and say I'm over here guys, let's be having ya1.  But no seriously, one of my friends has just dated relentlessly and has been heartbroken time and time again.

I just think that her great personality is being lost in translation and it is now crushing her confidence terribly.  Not all women or men have confidence to face each other, but before Tinder and these other sites, that how our parents met and have been together for years

They touched, they talked, they screamed, they shared, but more importantly they communicated face to face.

Bring back old school dating......

My daily blog 23rd March 2017

When It's Gone, let it be gone.

Doors open when you least expect it. When you feel some days a sense of loss. The days when you feel your drowning, something happens to restore your faith.

We get so caught up in us, that nothing else exists. But there's nothing wrong with that, so long as you keep an eye on what is really real and the prize.

Today's early thought is, we're only human, and we should allow ourselves to feel regardless of others false judgements.

Rid your mind of things or situations you cannot change. It serves you no purpose and takes away productive energy.

I'm in this frame today, as I'm about to face my past. I've done some things whilst inebriated, not pretty to be fair and now that I'm in sobriety, I'm having to face the carnage and verbal vitriol I left back in those days.

Now I cannot change those things I've said or done, as I created the scenario but my message of my pain got lost in the drama and the drink. People will not see that. What they will, however see, was a piss head and not the woman self medicating and hiding a pain.

Nevertheless, I'm not ashamed to share my story which goes deep, but I have to now deal with the backlash of my degradation. The people that I would not even dream of entertaining, but have taught me life lessons. Noooo, I'm not better than these scourges, I just know better.

So, I'm waiting for the stares, the haters, the misunderstood, the cowards, who laughed as they needed to feel better about themselves. I'm ready for the glares of jealousy and I'm ready for the hurt that was put in me by the cheaters, who are insecure and devious.

I'm looking forward to showing up the real and back to sobriety me. I no longer care what they think but more importantly I'm back and no stopping this chic..

Peace out.. I'm Only Human - By Rag & Bone Man - Song of The Day

Terrorists, shooting, Westminster CRIKEY😳

What a sad day. 22/3/17.  It even a third into 2017 and again terrorism, (so they say), violence and lives lost and for what?

The ambulance crews fighting to keep people alive, the families who said goodbyes, only just this morning, not only to realise, they will not be seeing each other again it really was goodbye.

I feel pained for them it makes you think less of your own selfishness and wonder what they must be going through. This awful mess.

I only know what I've seen in TV and the scare mongerin g from colleagues and as usual social media telling folks they are safe???  It in the cold light of the day, no one is safe. Gone are the days we could protect, now we don't know who to trust.

Spare a thought folks for the families of the slain even if they meant harm to the public.

It has to stop and start somewhere.

https://plus.google.com/+ValerieMaxfield/posts/Pw7qMRmvL2V

Week 6

Yes week 6 and I made it. No stupid outbursts, fully back and in control. This girl is ticking over beautifully, but the narcissistic viewers still rare from time to time.

Since my last blog, I got slightly distracted, and a slight temptation, but when things are clear and you are in control of yourself, it's like  a blip and you shrug it off and go bout ya business.

In this time, I've been preparing my new unique radio show.. Oooh I'm so excited, can't tell you the set up yet, but it's got a twist to it, got my first mixcloud show up and running, (Testing, Testing 123) and been remixing in the studio (that's stuuuuudddiioo) busy busy busy. Laying low and it's funny when you remove yourself from the noise, you hear the real world. What's missing.

What was missing was the universe, real life and no damn booze 😶🙈. I had rid toxic people and found the punch without the Guinness.


People who I thought were enemies were actually true, down to earth caring people. I had slowed 3 years of paranoia cloud my beautiful judgment.  One friend was so mad at me and told me to stop hiding!!?? Me, hiding? From what or who? He said I miss my positive VAL, I look forward to her quotes and silly jokes. The laughter was now silence. Come back!!

He said, 'you got a story, why hide, tell it like it is!!'. I like my privacy at the best of times, but he had a point. For too many years my culture and older generation taught us how to hide, cheat and keep secrets. The next thing you know you have 10 half siblings. A different dad and you may have slept with a cousin. 🙄😂😹😹😹🙈🙊. Not saying I did..those who know me, knows my preference and type.. Phew.

You see if you don't share, how do you know? How do you learn? Why let people get away with indecent behaviour. I said, I'll write about life and Karma and disease will take care of the rest 😂😂😂🙊🙈😳🙉☺️

I've got skeletons that started to fall three fold of lately, I almost got knocked out by one of the elbow bones. 🙄😂😂😂. Flipping eck.

I've tried dusting under the carpet but the mount of shit I'd swept there said, 'sod that, I'm coming out, I want the world to know'.😂😂😂🙊🙈. Thank Diana Ross for that line.😂😂

So, I let it all out, 6 weeks into sobriety, transparency, bar a few dick heads acting like I'm a villain when they're the pariahs, scourge of the black human race, but hey we can't all be perfect.

Now that's another story..

MAMBO JAMBO

 Oh My God, I'm aching. WTH. Years ago when friends said they were going Cuban or Mexican dancing, I bulked at the idea. Then came Salsa 💃🏾 I shirked even more.

But since I've come back in the last few days and hearing Salsa music abroad, I thought wMight as well put it in my bag of things to do or Bucket List and see what the fuss was all about.

I kept promising my good mate DJ Fonti from Heartless Crew (Heartless) (sorry couldn't help breaking out into old skool anthem) I'd come along one night and so I did. Guess what? I'm hooked.

Damn the group was younger than me, they flipping throw that shit about. I was like Wha?!!! Really!!! No. 😳😮😰😂😂🙈

I walked in with intrepidation, as I didn't want to look a fool, but there were other novices too, so it wasn't so daunting as I thought.

We moved without music to get the basics and trust me basics was not basic. Well to me it wasn't, but after about 15 minutes I relaxed and got into the grooveish. I'm built, tall so you can imagine in my tight leggings, rangy legs and heels, those hips were gyrating like a sexy cat in heels. (No was that me just imaging I'm a sexy motherf#%ker) lol.

The beginners class was over before it started and I wanted more...And I got more. The next 2 hours were brilliant, as we danced changed partners, the guys were from all over the world, which was sooo cool, got to meet some new friends and the most assuming of people that you'd never think were into Salsa.

One thing I must say, there is no where in the world I can go and not meet an old friend, and that I did. This chick I hadn't seen from my uni days, looking like a teenager, strolled by looking amazing and dancing like cat woman, turns road and said , 'don't I know you'? I almost died as in all the obscure places I could've gone, I still was found by Someone.

So the night came to an end, took some photos and said yes, I'm Valerie M, but most of all, that's my new haunt and exercise regime. Where has this been all my life????

I walked away and after an hour I was aching, but a good ache. Thursday night is boxing, I hope to recover by then mate..

Lool..that's how I spent my day getting fighting for and seizing new moments. NEVER SAY NEVER.
. https://plus.google.com/+ValerieMaxfield/posts/SbAdJejWTbu

Easy like Sunday morning.

Very rare I get to do the Sunday morning walk in the forest by my home. Didn't gig last night and now that I'm back in the country, I thought 'let's do this'. Got my trainers on, wrapped up warm. (Times like these, I wish I had a dog). 🤔😂 and hot stepped it into Epping Forest which starts at the end of my road.

The sun shone so bright through the trees in the woods as I exhaled my surroundings. God, how I've missed this. All that wonderful nature around me, the silence as my brain eased all the noise that's been buzzing away for weeks, all came to a halt and real life began.

This is On my doorstep, I've taken these days for granted. WHY?

Stupidly, been dancing my Sunday mornings away in late morning parties, ravaging my skin, drinking to great music, mixing with some unsavoury people, but it was fun at times. It almost became a religion. Wasted 3 1/2 years of life, career and welfare in these dives, searching for god knows what, when the realness of life was happening elsewhere. 🙄😖

(I must do a blog on that scene soon, so much to divulge, a whole world in itself, crazy, sordid, shameful, you wouldn't believe it.)

So, I made it up to Rangers Point, a beautiful hilltop that overlooks Woodford and Chingford. It's so lovely. Thought I was Rocky (about to shout Adrianne) 😂😂😂. But the view was breathtaking.

It made me forget the pain I'd been in physically and mentally. The 💔 of love and betrayal once again, but a new beginning was on the horizon and it felt promising. My health is deteriorating but I've got through my treatment very well and hopefully I'll have better news in 3 weeks time.

I stumbled or rumbled over to the pub, where A lovely log fire was going, brunch on the menu, nice Smooth Radio in the background, the people are warm and jovial waiting for the football noise makers to arrive, as my beloved Spurs v Millwall is on today and I sighed and said 'This is Home'!!!

I went to the bar, the bar girl nodded and said, 'Usual?'. Yeah I know, I used to be regular!!! But she looked at me in shock when I said, 'Tonic Water please I'm off the Grog' 😳😂😂.  I know on the wagon, in a boozer drinking water!! Get in!!

I'm good like that, when I say over, it's over just like my relationship..drinks out, he's out.

COYS..

Right but Silent!!

A Blog Life

Ummmmm 🤔. Tap tap tap on the keypad, once again ferociously. It's another two weeks since last Blog and what a Palaver?

I've seen ups, down, written another song, (yesssss), seen my beloved SPURS, kicking some arse and the nasty Dirty GOONERS (arsenal shit bag squatters) lose like a whipped bitch.  ⚽️😂😂😂😂😂 love it. Highlight of my two weeks. Karma and justice.

Any who, my worst fears came true, and I had to suffer a phone call hearing very foul news of discapable people and their behaviour in a love tryst..

I'm well out of it now, but when I was involved, I couldn't see the woods for the trees. The lies, the games, the betrayal and hurt.

Now that I'm 4 weeks into sobriety, everything is apparent. I'm out of the ghetto siege mentality and back with uplifting positive people with my best interest at heart. I haven't felt this kind of serenity in over 4 years. I forgot how that felt. (Title of my new song).

You see when you stay silent, you see everything. You hear their intentions. Learn when to be aggressive, be patient instead of re-acting.

You see being loud does not make you wise. It's being right and staying silent is where you'll find your pride.

Do you know that people get a rise of putting others down, when they have nothing or no values in their lives. They will take what you worked hard for and feel no way to trample on your dignity, which does not belong to them.

The reason why we should practice self love, is so that when narcissistic people with hidden agendas approach, you sense their intention and are able to keep them at bay preventing you from not sucking in their bad energy.

Stay straight in your thoughts folks. It's not an easy road,  but believe in yourself and the rest will take care of you.

See you next week for my next instalment.