When I first started writing this blog, I was weary how much of myself I was hanging out to dry, (being dry the right word), How would I come across to people, am I attention seeking? Well after a long deliberation with myself, I realise that without being able to put down the crosses I had to solely bear behind closed doors, I would sink further into a bottle, comfort eat, not leaving my home, alienating people out my life, all for the fear and of what I felt I had become in the last few years. Being misunderstood by some, hated upon for being myself, gaining weight that won't shift, myn self respect being tarnished allowing situations or people I would not tolerate even on a last man earth day, showed I had hit rock bottom.
How I could I BE POISON? Those are the last words uttered to me from my drunken past by someone, whom was one of the catalyst that took me over the edge. It hit me so hard, hurtful and on a another day I would have taken it all on board, grabbed Jack Daniel for comfort and start a war of words in defence. But I had to take it on the chin, its sour grapes and as I knew they now are feeling the backlash of what I left behind months ago, it really was the past. I HAD GROWN!!!
I know I've never done anything unintentionally to anyone. There were days, I'd wake after a good night out and my phone had so many messages, only to realise I had drunk texted to the point of "do I remember shit?" 😂😂😂 Pardon the pun "White Gril Wasted" as my white girlfriends called me. lol. Sorry I should'nt laugh, but I'm done punishing myself for that crazy phase. I have some stories that would make your hair curl and leave you running for the toilet. You'll need to have nappies for that read...
Then there was the days when, I've gone out for one drink cane back minus bits of clothing, body sore, God knows where I'd fallen as I got wasted' no MASH UP (hand over my eyes). Apparently been seen crying in parties, like f#%k do I remember why!! 😳😳. Give me Brandy and I became a cry baby. But it was my pain all the angry silence I was carrying, but showing outside the biggest smile.
But as I write and a tear drops, I've stayed on the path of not looking back to Jack and his friend Coke with Ice. No urge to hit the bottle when the mists rises in my head when missing the past resentment, anger, feelings of loss and the urge to binge.
Today is 3 months and I'm writing again, cause I;m finally renovating ny home, building a new home recording room, keeping busy as the new means all have an end game. My fuck it bucket is was so full and now, I'm doing all those things I have sat and said "I soooo want to do that". Well I am doing it.
Being an artist, sometimes we don;t get the chance to do the touristy things as our creativity has us dreaming, writing, acting to show passion and share commonly with the world. It does not make me a prima donna, far from it. I work hard and still maintain the music, so instead of getting my heart broken with people I am used to dealing with, I have gone back to basics. I'm just too honest for my own good.
I don't know about you, but I've never battled weight in my life. I have been fortunate enough to eat what I like. But As the days grew and Jack was my new boyfriend, good food went out the window and self loathing took residence. I refused to take any grief counselling. I threw myself into more toxicity and finally nothing fitted in my wardrobe. I felt ugly, no self worth.
How did I get there? Me, confident VAL?? I'm not having this or that!! The will power was hard to come by, but I had the love of my bestie in Manchester, who kept me on the path, when we both had sleepness nights we shared long hours of phone conversations,. (What the hell do we have to talk about for almost 5 hours sometimes???), she couldn't sleep fearing I'd fall off my end game, but I am made of stronger stuff than that. I took the time out and healed.
I didn't fall and today through my tears I am back and stronger and helping others who have found themselves worse off than me.
I'm not sure how I turned the corner and I've not once felt i need a drink. As friends went out to celebrate, there I'm doing a yoga class and I feel so rejuvenated and ready for the years to come but it's one day at a time.
Yesterday was a great time to reflect too, as a friend of mine laid her mum to rest. There are no words to comfort anyone when there is loss. I was really worried for her, as drink is her comfort. Her friends network is amazing and we'll all stand by and let her know she's not alone especially now that both parents are gone.
It was a terrible day but one that made me truly grateful. I got home and prepared my next radio shows for the Ester. I've smiled, I've danced and just found out I've lost 4kg in 2 weeks.
I can only be honest today, I don't care who sees me as a lesser person,but I am not a VICTIM I'm a survivor.
I'm still sticking my fingers up to the traitors and non believers as I'm pissing on my own grave,not them. The rebel is back and damn does it feel good to have that swag and confidence.
So song of the day is 'Cranes In Sky' by Solange. I pissed it up, I sexed it up, I fucked it up, I cursed you fuckers and now my life is like Cranes in the sky.
I'm no longer angry, I'm at peace with me. There's more to this story, part two coming soon.
Thanks for reading I really appreciate it.
#3 MONTH SOBRIETY
Happy Easter beautiful people.
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