YOU TOOK ME OUT OF YOUR SKY, SO I TOOK YOU OUT OF MY UNIVERSE.

Umm very subtle, sad, but to the point these words.  What do these words mean to you?

These words hit me very hard when I first read them, as sometimes you have to say enough is enough, this is the end. 

How many of us find ourselves holding onto Toxic relationships or things?  When do you know it is toxic?  How far do you have to find yourself before you let go?  Are you happy with your job?  This quote can be taken in so many ways, not necessarily relationship wise

I saw this from various different angles, but the most poignant one, was saying goodbye to someone who took my heart in so may ways, that I felt that when I said goodbye, my world had ended.  

I'm going to share my point of view on this.....I hope you can appreciate

I didn't see that the person was clouding my vision, my personality (actually ruined my character, I will never been looked at as credible in various circles anymore, as people felt that I had dated way below my standard) and I had dropped my standards, cause I felt something for someone that overtook all my reasoning and being. Yep It was Love.

When I look back, I hated that I was not in control, I dumbed myself down to fit in with their personality, when on a normal day I wouldn't even give them the time of day.  I despised that I knew every lie that came out of his mouth, but I felt powerless to contradict it, when as you guessed it, on a normal day, I would have challenged it.  I kept quiet, for the fear of showing my real personality or better yet an argument or alienating them.  The worse thing is knowing that my personality does not suffer fools gladly.  

I asked myself when I finally did let go, (which by then I had drank myself into a stupor, almost losing my career, my family, friends and lastly my dignity), 'What did you see in him and why did he have such a power over you?  Was you in such a low place that he got the better of you?'  

Well to be fair, when I did meet the little blighter, I was grieving of a loss and was lonely.  He came at a time I needed some attention, only to learn way down the line, and I mean waaaaay down the line, he was already a serialist cheater, liar, a deviant and preyed on unsuspecting souls that had no clue of his indecency.  He actually thought he was clever. (As she rolls her eyes to the sky)  

I had already succumbed to his legacy, but my alarm bells did go off on our first date, when he tried to kiss me after the pictures and I point blank refused, as I did not fancy him at all.  He was not happy and even commented 'Really'?  I was like 'Yeah really' It is only the pictures mate, not a trip to Monaco on a Yacht!!! (blink blink). Is what him take this thing for?? KMT. 

As time went on, things were forced on his terms and we never ever got back on a decent footing. 

I believe looking back, that if I was not in the position I was in, I would have definitely handled this relationship on different terms.  I wouldn't have chased nor allow him to chase me or even be in the same space.  I wouldn't have allowed it to go as far as it did with people even getting wind we were involved, as I would have shut it down and kicked him to the kerb where he really belonged. 

I was also self medicating at the time through a haze of alcohol, due to my brother passing, so I was low and I couldn't get a grip.  I used to flip my lid and do all sorts of mad drunk texting, not even realising the next day, how much of a meltdown I had had and was so unhappy with the situation. I used to get it, when I couldn't take his ways.  In hindsight, if I had just got a grip and spoken to him properly face to face maybe he would have understand how unhappy he was making me and taking me for granted, but instead I lambasted him, through long winded texts and the real message got lost in translation.

Alas, I was hooked and it took ages to unhinge those crab claws away from my Scorpio back and fill the holes with Valerie gumption.  That strong amazonian gumption.  

HEY don't feel sorry for me, I still kept it together, still did my thang. I chupidly kept going back, every time we broke up until I got strong enough to say no more.  I can't blame him, as I only can take responsibility for myself. 

Funny, I was telling my mum, that he'd hurt me again, but now he's gone.  My Mum said 'How many times are you going to keep taking that shit on your shoes back in the house?  I'm fed up now of the smell of the shit, aren't you?  Hahahahahahahahahahaha  'Mum!! really, this is somebodies child you are referring to'.  Her response was 'And you are my Child and nobody gets the better of MY CHILD'.  Yep that was me told.

I am sure it has happened to many of us and the lengths we have put up with either their abuse, violence, mistrust, lies, pain and more importantly losing yourself, all for the attention and love of that person. 

I found that even trying to get back into the dating world, he cock blocked my every move, without even knowing it, as I was comparing them to him!  Comparing what?  I must've been mad.  We didn't go on holidays, we didn't go out for meals, we didn't go out socially and even if we were out socially we were apart. (work that one out!!!).  So what the hell did I think I was going out with?  You guessed it, MYSELF.  You can imagine my brain doing overtime.  I got used to the scenario, but why get used to things when (not being boastful) I have an army of admirers banging on my door.  Sadly, I was not ready to date until I could relate how the fart I had wasted the last 2 and half years.  

You see when you hit a brick wall, and you've tried everything to let them know how you feel, the feelings gets lost in translation as they are no listening, thier heads are turned, it's all about them and there is no compromise. It is not love!!! It's about their insecurity and the control they need to bring you to heel.  That's when you know it's time to go.

Love does hurt folks, when you lose someone to death, or watching a love one suffer, love of your pet, many things.  Love should not bring you to your knees and allow you to lose all self control for someone who does not love you.  Unfortunately, some of us do.  

Don't feel bad, don't beat yourself up. You have to go through these things to make you a better person and/or share when others are in that said position, to let them know they are not alone and there are greater days ahead. We can only speak from experience. 

You can still love someone from a distance, you just don't need to have them in your existence.  

So when they decide to take you out of their sky, TAKE THEM OUT OF YOUR UNIVERSE.  

In Denial

I'm a massive over thinker at times, then at times, it just goes right over my head.  Sometimes I wish I could turn off that grinder that keeps me thinking all sorts of predictions and contradictions.

90% of my thinking process, believe it or not, comes true. Strong Gut instincts but the 10% is the one that sometimes gets me into trouble. lol I mean big trouble.

With the above said, I have watched things around me transpire, that I never thought was happening to others. I just thought it was little old me.  But no, you are never alone in things that happens to you.  The Universe has a way of putting you through things, however bizarre they are, which makes you feel you are the only ones going through it.  That's why there are so many Counsellors and Therapists galore. But you are wrong, you are not alone!!

I think that in order to help someone else, you have to experience life in all its hurts, glory, happiness, pain, warts and all to be able to share or shed light on other people's plight, or understand their thought process, spiritually and from an non-bias point of view.

I find that we hid a lot of our plights because of the fear of looking bad in front of others.  But do you know that those others too are fronting and would love to share, but don't want to look bad in front of you too.  What a vicious circle!!!  Maybe, we should just feel the person first, get an infinity of transparency and honesty, that way if the mouth begins to speak, you'll feel safe that that person is actually listening, regardless of the astonishment of what is going on with you, as you seem all together, but they will empathise, not judge and offer a word of encouragement.

My thought for today was, I became one of those people, well I am one of those people that keeps a lot inside.  ( You wouldn't think that, as I blatantly write a blog daily).  I choose what I need to say, when to say it and the implications it may have, whilst writing the blog.  All in honesty I might add.  The rest of the private lives stuff is mine to decipher.  But of late where keeping it all in almost sent me doolally, I had to offload.  I had to take time out and stop overthinking and taking on everyone else's problem.  Being the carer and the problem fixer.  I had run out of steam and no matter what I did to rejuvenate I fell dead flat, running on air.  It's called 'SURVIVAL MODE'.

I was told that I was living like that a few years back when I was given 24 hours to live, in a coma for 4 and half months and survived by the grace of god, a great Doctor who did everything to keep me alive in St Thomas' Hospital for 10 months, until I could walk, talk and clean my arse again...MMMMMM let me stop while I ponder!!!! (Heavy Sigh).

Anyway, the doctors upon release said 'Valerie, you will be living in Survival mode for awhile, make sure you speak to someone.  You were institutionalised, not a lot of people survive near death almost gone through the tunnel and live to tell the tale...Valerie take heed'.

Did I?  Did I f**k!!  My mother doesn't even know this.  I left hospital on 10th October and on 18th October with my zimmer frame I was transported with my frail body onto a plane to Budapest and did my first gig with a walking stick all 5 stones of me......(shaking my bloody head).

That was then, the point I am trying to make is this keeping everything in can kill you or bring you to the point of a breakdown, if you are not careful.  Luckily when it all came on top a few months back, I was able to lean on a friend.  We speak to each other every day to talk business and lo and behold she has held my hand through the Sobriety (I shouldn't have been drinking in the first place you know!! These damn relationships), then when I was totally taken advantage off.  She has been there.  I've had friends who had seen me off my trolley, but instead of asking, they judged and discarded me, when I needed them.  I don't begrudge them, as I know deep down I have been with them through every trial and tribulation, but when I needed them, they scorned, alienated and tried to ridicule, instead of understanding.

I smiled it through for the world, but this one friend, she knew and stopped to listen.  She didn't judge, she didn't cast me aside and thought, your no longer my hero.  You are not positive'  But guess what I was positive all the way through, as I didn't allow myself to falter, I admitted, looked into myself and each day when the tears wanted to fall reminding me of what I had been through, I smile to myself and said don't worry, there was a message in this all and you have now received it.

Have a fantabulous day or evening when you read my blog.

Peace Out.

Where's the music gone?

A beautiful venue, audacious, stunning, hard working upper and middle class working people, that look forward to putting on their best clobber and getting their groove on only to be duped, yes duped by promoters, the DJ or the organisation.

Let me start with the promoters. In this day and age it is soooo blooming hard to find a venue that will cater for a mixture of black and white people, mainly black people. (Now before anyone says I'm racist, read and not perceive what I'm saying, as I'm far from that and I'm not political at that.), but it's darn true. The venues that are on offer do a disservice to promoters putting some events on. They book these wine bars, charge ridiculous prices with stipulations, which promoters jump through hoops to achieve, only for the Venue to pull the plug on the promoter halfway through night, leaving disgruntled good paying party goers.

Then you have the promoters, who don't give a flying two shites about the paying public. Puts out false advertising and don't deal with the matter after either by over selling or undersold tickets, but let's just advertise take everyones Money, money, money

Some promoters find swanky venues, puts on a ball/function which looks of calibre, with the typical pictures of grandeur to again appeal to the general upper/middle class echelons, who want to have a decent night with or without partner and are expecting what these promotions are saying.

The put a Big DJ line up, saying the cream of the crop, (as I roll my eyes), with top cuisine (double roll my eyes) and entertainment (bull crap, it's either comedy or singing ffs)🙄🤔😤. And sometimes the quality is piss poor, but seems good on paper.

So you fork out 1/3 of your rent/mortgage to get tickets, outfit, transportation blah de blah de da, only for the whole pack of shite to over run, sometimes food that could run a pigs belly, the entertainment drier than a packet of pork cracklings 😖.

Then when the music starts, what is it with Luther Vandross' tunes to get the old foot them moving. Not all of us are in spandex and wearing arthritis bracelets you know 🙈😂😂😳

So these 'cream of the crop DJ's' get on their little pedestals and play flipping Bollocks tunes. You have a room of stunning people shuffling from side to side, cause this so called BIG Dj is supposed to pluck out some gems, like when they play in the house dances or radio, but instead, each one comes on and plays the worse flipping let's get hyped tunes you'"" ever hear. It's like no homework was done, they just assume I'm going to rival the next DJ by playing the same as him, thinking he's got a twist, when the only twist is the knobs he's turning too backside and forgetting the people desperate to feel a vibe.

WHY OH WHY ARE YOU CONNING THE PEOPLE.? Come on do your homework, drop rare grooves, drop current tunes in the soul charts, people do listen to the proper radio stations not just pirate,  mix it up. The poor womens' feet are in sandals/flats within the first half hour of raving!! Why? Cause their standing still and shuffling instead of actually shaking what god gave them.

Last night point in question! A pack Mansion the last DJ for night only played decent tunes 45 minutes before it was to end!!!😳 5 Hours of same tripe in one room until the last Dj, starts to play 45 minutes near the end of good tunes.

The other room was constantly packed, that was supposed to be Afro beat, reggae, well it won hands down and I still thought the music was mind numbing.

I'm not saying I know better, but Promoters, think carefully before you book artistes and Dj's. visualise, not speculate,  don't just pick by names, pick by their crowd pleasing music. Dj's you fluff it time and time again. You carry on like your Pete Tong and you get it monumentally wrong when you hit the decks. What stage fright? Bugger off back to your virtually decks in your bedrooms mate, your nicking my money.

Lastly Promoters, IF you are going to pick decent DJS instead of every named DJ, at least let them play. not go over schedule and we don't get to hear our favourite Dj's when you've let the early drosses come on and over kill and play. Jesus..when will someone put a stop to this?!!!!

I did however enjoy my last hour of the rave, some random DJ kept the music alive till the bitter end in the Soul Room, no idea who you were, but thank f#%k for that.

After thought 26th March 2017.

As I sit here and watch the beautiful countryside go by, I'm in a reflective mood.

Did you know that you can build up so much anxiety about things and when they finally come to a halt or fruition, your body literally goes into free fall tiredness, as it no longer knows what it needs to do or think. The built up of a situation, is so consuming and when you start to unload and unburden the mind and let go, your body finally says SLEEP.

For weeks I've had two or three hours sleep every day, brain churning, some of it paranoia or over reacting. I guess (I know keep mentioning it), but when you kick alcohol you go into shock or your body does. So dramatically is dangerous I'm told, but I've had no adverse reactions bar the extra pounds, which I'm not happy about, but I'd rather fight to lose the weight, the lose the fight of life. My family needs me.

So, I laid my ghosts to rest and cleared my conscience over the weekend. I watched karma upon karma and felt euphoria, even if it were for 3 hours, but what goes around comes around. I got my mojo back and stood my ground, held my head high and it felt great to party the night away sober, in control and couldn't give a rats arse about nothing. 1st time in 4 years I let go.

I got back to my hotel and my buddy and I sat up talking til the wee hours of the morning about, life, love and music. She's so amazing my friend an entrepreneur, a counsellor, a doer, positive and more importantly beautiful inside and out.  Without this girl, I couldn't have made it through my journey, in the last 7 months.

Every hospital appointment, she made sure I had support, every non drink she applauded, every new song I wrote she commented, the honesty is boundless.

Which brings me to the support I have tried to give back as a friend and advisor, with her new business successfully kicked off this weekend back in Manchester, we whooped it up with pints of Iced Water and looked pretty stunning in our cocktail dresses.

We didn't get much sleep, almost missed my coach, seeing that got to bed at 6.30am and had to be awake by 9am.  Man I made it to the coach station with 2 minutes to spare before it left!!! I'm on my way back to London Town, watching the trees and reflecting on the events that unfolded around me, whilst I danced, laughed, and be me, (no drama, but the odd ridiculous hating stares), I saw first hand the sadness others had to now endure as What they had done to others was now being done to them.

The devil on my left shoulder chuckled in a raucous shudder and 😈  the Scorpio in me revealled in The unhappiness. I felt no remorse. And I will continue not to. But it closed in my life a chapter that brought me nothing but resentment.

I try not to resent but wish every one happiness. The belief in myself is back as I knew I did no wrong, but allowed outside influence to slightly dent my solid armour. The goodness I have tried give over  the years and never once asked for anything back I hope will be remembered one day and that it will prick those people who tried deliberately to discredit me, so they could or try to have what I don't have. I'm a humble girl and will never forget that. I was tested, dug deep and have come through, (baby steps mind you), to turned this corner. I've watched the doubters and morons but most importantly I now just watch myself. As the saying goes, it's great to be right and stay Silent. My journey continues and I hope this blog lets people know never give up on yourself. It's ok to say no!!

Happy Mother's Day you gorgeous female creatures.

Over and out have a smashing sunny Sunday, hope you put those clocks forward. I'm getting home for some well earned sleep.

Everybody loves the Sunshine..

It's beautiful out today. 25th March 2017.

Wish I wasn't so tired though,  ain't slept right for the last few days. I can't even call a Jack Daniels to put me to sleep, cause he's barred for good😂😂😂.

On serious note though it's lovely to get the melanoma going, even if it's a tad chilly but we can deal!!

Meant to be in South West of England last night, but had a last minute recording, knocked that out the ball park, big Jay loving your studios man and now back home packing to taking scrumpy land. Errm well I'm not having scrumpy unfortunately heading into  7 weeks of sobriety, so gotta keep the head clear.

But I just got my new sexy 6 inch heels, dang I can't wait to put my legs into them tonight and  shock the floorboards. Yep, all size 12/14 of my romper and gonna shake, gyrate and dance the night away at this mansion party.

Well I call it another name, but I guess mixing with the local less talents of Londoners embarking on poor Bristol today 🙈🙊 I certainly wouldn't want to call it elegant, but we shall if we must. (Snigger).

So, from time to time I reach or go back to my sort of roots, actually let's just call it, the music I enjoy, the people oi yoi yoi you just have to put blinkers on. Or have a strong constitution to stomach some of them, but I'm learning to blank out their lack of etiquette and just enjoy the music for what it is.

So yeah, it's been a while I'm able to shake this toosh as illness is now ravaging my poor body, so whilst I still got legs I'm gonna shake that arse too.  (Sounds like a song I know🤔😄).

Got some cracking scenic photos of my journey down to Scrumpy land, I lurve the countryside to be fair, bar the cow shit pats 😄😂😂. You

Now, I'm off to shop, pamper, steam, sauna massage, rest and then get ready to tantalise.

Don't forget guys clock goes forward tonight, darn it we lose a flipping hour of raving. Grrrr.  I want my money back 😂😂😊😊 just kidding.

Have a great day ya'll

When Love Comes Calling - Dating sites FFS

Now, I have different friends from all across the world.  Thank God for emailing and yeah I said it social media, as I would get to be a part of these friends lives without these communications.

Now I'm not spilling the beans on my friends love lives, but god damn, The Dating Sites are rife.

What has happened to the days, when you got dressed rocked up to the pub, caught the eye of some juicy bloke/girl and then the games of love begin.

The connection, the conversation, the laughter getting to know each others thoughts, their laughter, their desires (shut up and get your head out of the gutter hahhahahahaha), (well I thought it too, and I'm so far in the gutter, so low me) lol.

Loveis, it has gone...We are sucked in POF (The poor mans version of E-Harmony) hahahahahahahahaha Plenty of Fish, theirs something called Dating Line cha I don't even know and now their Zoosk and Tinder.  Their even Uniform Dating and trust me, them crusty men are not in uniform....(Yes, I looked (as I rolled my eyes, how the hell am I going to give an opinion if I didn't.

Now I got onto one of them sites purely because I kept getting spam mail, clicked on the link and next thing I know, Men are asking me out.   (Really now, look at me, why the hell are you making contact with me?  Then some guy I knew said he saw my picture on a dating site.  Shut the Front Door??!!!  I asked him what site, so I went on and low and behold, no narrative, just picture, wrong age and it tied me into another site for Cougars and pictures of naked men with their dingalings hanging out.

Oh my days, I contacted the admin and asked them to remove me.  They told me I signed up, I said 'Me' don't lie.  Behave, Stop it'.  I then said I have no log in details that the link was sent to me with my picure, so how i evens name do you allow this.  All now I can still hear the tumbleweeds of silence.  Eventually after numerous emails.  My photo got taken down, but no after a barrage of willies of all shape and sizes. (i can assure you I will not be eating sausages for a long time after what I saw eeeew).

Anyway, I logged onto a site, cause I had a friend who did log on and I did not get it.  Actually I have a few friends on them sites, the stories that were told, firstly some horrific, some were hook ups and the others genuinely looking for love.  Neither of my friends had great stories, but one had been on some many dates, with some lush looking men, I thought, let's see what this is all about.

Flaming eck it turns out to use Tinder, you have to have a facebook page!!! You having a flaming bubble mate?  I dabble for a few days with the idea of my page being used for a site, but gave in and low and behold all these dudes.

I did not strike up any conversations, but the idea is for you to swipe in the hope that when you swipe right on the person you like, they feel the same way too.  Like going Bingo mate!!

Well looks like the Universe likes me and I can pick them bang on.  Just that when I chose them bang on, their conversation were drier than toilet paper.  I suppose it didn't help that I was there for curiosity and nowt else, so trying to be truthful and real, proved a tad difficult.  Some looked great, but my god, where is the passion arrrrgh and how can some man cop off at a photo.  One geezeer decided to try and talk to me and trust me I knew he was playing with his todger eeeeee double eewww.

he kept repeating himself in that panting breath way and I literally told him I knew what he was doing, your flipping Banker for christ sake, get a grip (well not literally hahahahahahaha).  Frigging idiot, so I cut him off in the middle of his w&*k and proceeded to answer the lots of messages I had no idea was waiting for me.  Now why didn;t I know cause my phone blings when these messages came in, but I took no note.  Too damn busy too backside worrying about Tinder swipes.

But i did strike up a great conversation with a few musicians, which was great cause we shared the same kindred spirit, but I just felt no spark.

In my experience, I can't get to grips with this dating site malarky.  I think I'm confident to rock up to a bar and say I'm over here guys, let's be having ya1.  But no seriously, one of my friends has just dated relentlessly and has been heartbroken time and time again.

I just think that her great personality is being lost in translation and it is now crushing her confidence terribly.  Not all women or men have confidence to face each other, but before Tinder and these other sites, that how our parents met and have been together for years

They touched, they talked, they screamed, they shared, but more importantly they communicated face to face.

Bring back old school dating......

My daily blog 23rd March 2017

When It's Gone, let it be gone.

Doors open when you least expect it. When you feel some days a sense of loss. The days when you feel your drowning, something happens to restore your faith.

We get so caught up in us, that nothing else exists. But there's nothing wrong with that, so long as you keep an eye on what is really real and the prize.

Today's early thought is, we're only human, and we should allow ourselves to feel regardless of others false judgements.

Rid your mind of things or situations you cannot change. It serves you no purpose and takes away productive energy.

I'm in this frame today, as I'm about to face my past. I've done some things whilst inebriated, not pretty to be fair and now that I'm in sobriety, I'm having to face the carnage and verbal vitriol I left back in those days.

Now I cannot change those things I've said or done, as I created the scenario but my message of my pain got lost in the drama and the drink. People will not see that. What they will, however see, was a piss head and not the woman self medicating and hiding a pain.

Nevertheless, I'm not ashamed to share my story which goes deep, but I have to now deal with the backlash of my degradation. The people that I would not even dream of entertaining, but have taught me life lessons. Noooo, I'm not better than these scourges, I just know better.

So, I'm waiting for the stares, the haters, the misunderstood, the cowards, who laughed as they needed to feel better about themselves. I'm ready for the glares of jealousy and I'm ready for the hurt that was put in me by the cheaters, who are insecure and devious.

I'm looking forward to showing up the real and back to sobriety me. I no longer care what they think but more importantly I'm back and no stopping this chic..

Peace out.. I'm Only Human - By Rag & Bone Man - Song of The Day

Terrorists, shooting, Westminster CRIKEY😳

What a sad day. 22/3/17.  It even a third into 2017 and again terrorism, (so they say), violence and lives lost and for what?

The ambulance crews fighting to keep people alive, the families who said goodbyes, only just this morning, not only to realise, they will not be seeing each other again it really was goodbye.

I feel pained for them it makes you think less of your own selfishness and wonder what they must be going through. This awful mess.

I only know what I've seen in TV and the scare mongerin g from colleagues and as usual social media telling folks they are safe???  It in the cold light of the day, no one is safe. Gone are the days we could protect, now we don't know who to trust.

Spare a thought folks for the families of the slain even if they meant harm to the public.

It has to stop and start somewhere.

https://plus.google.com/+ValerieMaxfield/posts/Pw7qMRmvL2V

Week 6

Yes week 6 and I made it. No stupid outbursts, fully back and in control. This girl is ticking over beautifully, but the narcissistic viewers still rare from time to time.

Since my last blog, I got slightly distracted, and a slight temptation, but when things are clear and you are in control of yourself, it's like  a blip and you shrug it off and go bout ya business.

In this time, I've been preparing my new unique radio show.. Oooh I'm so excited, can't tell you the set up yet, but it's got a twist to it, got my first mixcloud show up and running, (Testing, Testing 123) and been remixing in the studio (that's stuuuuudddiioo) busy busy busy. Laying low and it's funny when you remove yourself from the noise, you hear the real world. What's missing.

What was missing was the universe, real life and no damn booze 😶🙈. I had rid toxic people and found the punch without the Guinness.


People who I thought were enemies were actually true, down to earth caring people. I had slowed 3 years of paranoia cloud my beautiful judgment.  One friend was so mad at me and told me to stop hiding!!?? Me, hiding? From what or who? He said I miss my positive VAL, I look forward to her quotes and silly jokes. The laughter was now silence. Come back!!

He said, 'you got a story, why hide, tell it like it is!!'. I like my privacy at the best of times, but he had a point. For too many years my culture and older generation taught us how to hide, cheat and keep secrets. The next thing you know you have 10 half siblings. A different dad and you may have slept with a cousin. 🙄😂😹😹😹🙈🙊. Not saying I did..those who know me, knows my preference and type.. Phew.

You see if you don't share, how do you know? How do you learn? Why let people get away with indecent behaviour. I said, I'll write about life and Karma and disease will take care of the rest 😂😂😂🙊🙈😳🙉☺️

I've got skeletons that started to fall three fold of lately, I almost got knocked out by one of the elbow bones. 🙄😂😂😂. Flipping eck.

I've tried dusting under the carpet but the mount of shit I'd swept there said, 'sod that, I'm coming out, I want the world to know'.😂😂😂🙊🙈. Thank Diana Ross for that line.😂😂

So, I let it all out, 6 weeks into sobriety, transparency, bar a few dick heads acting like I'm a villain when they're the pariahs, scourge of the black human race, but hey we can't all be perfect.

Now that's another story..

MAMBO JAMBO

 Oh My God, I'm aching. WTH. Years ago when friends said they were going Cuban or Mexican dancing, I bulked at the idea. Then came Salsa 💃🏾 I shirked even more.

But since I've come back in the last few days and hearing Salsa music abroad, I thought wMight as well put it in my bag of things to do or Bucket List and see what the fuss was all about.

I kept promising my good mate DJ Fonti from Heartless Crew (Heartless) (sorry couldn't help breaking out into old skool anthem) I'd come along one night and so I did. Guess what? I'm hooked.

Damn the group was younger than me, they flipping throw that shit about. I was like Wha?!!! Really!!! No. 😳😮😰😂😂🙈

I walked in with intrepidation, as I didn't want to look a fool, but there were other novices too, so it wasn't so daunting as I thought.

We moved without music to get the basics and trust me basics was not basic. Well to me it wasn't, but after about 15 minutes I relaxed and got into the grooveish. I'm built, tall so you can imagine in my tight leggings, rangy legs and heels, those hips were gyrating like a sexy cat in heels. (No was that me just imaging I'm a sexy motherf#%ker) lol.

The beginners class was over before it started and I wanted more...And I got more. The next 2 hours were brilliant, as we danced changed partners, the guys were from all over the world, which was sooo cool, got to meet some new friends and the most assuming of people that you'd never think were into Salsa.

One thing I must say, there is no where in the world I can go and not meet an old friend, and that I did. This chick I hadn't seen from my uni days, looking like a teenager, strolled by looking amazing and dancing like cat woman, turns road and said , 'don't I know you'? I almost died as in all the obscure places I could've gone, I still was found by Someone.

So the night came to an end, took some photos and said yes, I'm Valerie M, but most of all, that's my new haunt and exercise regime. Where has this been all my life????

I walked away and after an hour I was aching, but a good ache. Thursday night is boxing, I hope to recover by then mate..

Lool..that's how I spent my day getting fighting for and seizing new moments. NEVER SAY NEVER.
. https://plus.google.com/+ValerieMaxfield/posts/SbAdJejWTbu

Easy like Sunday morning.

Very rare I get to do the Sunday morning walk in the forest by my home. Didn't gig last night and now that I'm back in the country, I thought 'let's do this'. Got my trainers on, wrapped up warm. (Times like these, I wish I had a dog). 🤔😂 and hot stepped it into Epping Forest which starts at the end of my road.

The sun shone so bright through the trees in the woods as I exhaled my surroundings. God, how I've missed this. All that wonderful nature around me, the silence as my brain eased all the noise that's been buzzing away for weeks, all came to a halt and real life began.

This is On my doorstep, I've taken these days for granted. WHY?

Stupidly, been dancing my Sunday mornings away in late morning parties, ravaging my skin, drinking to great music, mixing with some unsavoury people, but it was fun at times. It almost became a religion. Wasted 3 1/2 years of life, career and welfare in these dives, searching for god knows what, when the realness of life was happening elsewhere. 🙄😖

(I must do a blog on that scene soon, so much to divulge, a whole world in itself, crazy, sordid, shameful, you wouldn't believe it.)

So, I made it up to Rangers Point, a beautiful hilltop that overlooks Woodford and Chingford. It's so lovely. Thought I was Rocky (about to shout Adrianne) 😂😂😂. But the view was breathtaking.

It made me forget the pain I'd been in physically and mentally. The 💔 of love and betrayal once again, but a new beginning was on the horizon and it felt promising. My health is deteriorating but I've got through my treatment very well and hopefully I'll have better news in 3 weeks time.

I stumbled or rumbled over to the pub, where A lovely log fire was going, brunch on the menu, nice Smooth Radio in the background, the people are warm and jovial waiting for the football noise makers to arrive, as my beloved Spurs v Millwall is on today and I sighed and said 'This is Home'!!!

I went to the bar, the bar girl nodded and said, 'Usual?'. Yeah I know, I used to be regular!!! But she looked at me in shock when I said, 'Tonic Water please I'm off the Grog' 😳😂😂.  I know on the wagon, in a boozer drinking water!! Get in!!

I'm good like that, when I say over, it's over just like my relationship..drinks out, he's out.

COYS..

Right but Silent!!

A Blog Life

Ummmmm 🤔. Tap tap tap on the keypad, once again ferociously. It's another two weeks since last Blog and what a Palaver?

I've seen ups, down, written another song, (yesssss), seen my beloved SPURS, kicking some arse and the nasty Dirty GOONERS (arsenal shit bag squatters) lose like a whipped bitch.  ⚽️😂😂😂😂😂 love it. Highlight of my two weeks. Karma and justice.

Any who, my worst fears came true, and I had to suffer a phone call hearing very foul news of discapable people and their behaviour in a love tryst..

I'm well out of it now, but when I was involved, I couldn't see the woods for the trees. The lies, the games, the betrayal and hurt.

Now that I'm 4 weeks into sobriety, everything is apparent. I'm out of the ghetto siege mentality and back with uplifting positive people with my best interest at heart. I haven't felt this kind of serenity in over 4 years. I forgot how that felt. (Title of my new song).

You see when you stay silent, you see everything. You hear their intentions. Learn when to be aggressive, be patient instead of re-acting.

You see being loud does not make you wise. It's being right and staying silent is where you'll find your pride.

Do you know that people get a rise of putting others down, when they have nothing or no values in their lives. They will take what you worked hard for and feel no way to trample on your dignity, which does not belong to them.

The reason why we should practice self love, is so that when narcissistic people with hidden agendas approach, you sense their intention and are able to keep them at bay preventing you from not sucking in their bad energy.

Stay straight in your thoughts folks. It's not an easy road,  but believe in yourself and the rest will take care of you.

See you next week for my next instalment.

The Sorpico Tales Chapter 1.

It's been two weeks now and the scribbling in the journal of 'New Beginnings' are coming along nicely. If you listen carefully you can hear the ferocity of the pen on the pad, as the ideas flow and the madness of the last few years of writers block eases.

A lot has happened since I began this new blog. Grieving of a loved one, grieving in anger of atrocities against me from a live one, a flipping meltdown, then withdrawing from the world seeking exile, rebuilding, dealing withdrawal symptoms, but all for a worthy cause. New gigs coming in, the music is now speaking for itself. Am I excited? Well music heals the soul I guess!!

For A few days I sat in my kecks, (that's naked only in bra and knickers to those not in the know), tinkering on the ivory boards, singing melodies in my head, nothing making sense, as I couldn't be arsed to get up and wash. Yep, feeling sorry for myself. Then I got bad news one of my besties had suffered a stroke (mini one I might add. They call them TIA's.). Such a gentle soul. party Boy from Ooh Arr Land, actually no he's a Peterborough boy ( god knows where I got Bristolian from (as I snigger) a good lad).

Anyway, after spending some time with my bestie and asking him to seek the right help and do the right things, like stop smoking FFS, and knock the booze on the head (as I roll my eyes, I can talk), I got my running shoes on and felt my mojo finally coming back.

I got up, faced the world, had a two hour chat with the builders in my kitchen FINALLY, sorted out my ongoing health issues, basically doing my GP''s effing job, And finally nailing down over hanging crap from the last three years. Total buried my head in the sand, being consumed in other people's lives, when my real life was falling apart. (Why do we do this shit? Cause when you're in the shit, who helps you take care your shit). I know a lot of shit huh??

Now, it doesn't mean I'm through the worst, but it's a start.

Who would've thought how cathartic life can be when you have had a broken heart?