In Denial

I'm a massive over thinker at times, then at times, it just goes right over my head.  Sometimes I wish I could turn off that grinder that keeps me thinking all sorts of predictions and contradictions.

90% of my thinking process, believe it or not, comes true. Strong Gut instincts but the 10% is the one that sometimes gets me into trouble. lol I mean big trouble.

With the above said, I have watched things around me transpire, that I never thought was happening to others. I just thought it was little old me.  But no, you are never alone in things that happens to you.  The Universe has a way of putting you through things, however bizarre they are, which makes you feel you are the only ones going through it.  That's why there are so many Counsellors and Therapists galore. But you are wrong, you are not alone!!

I think that in order to help someone else, you have to experience life in all its hurts, glory, happiness, pain, warts and all to be able to share or shed light on other people's plight, or understand their thought process, spiritually and from an non-bias point of view.

I find that we hid a lot of our plights because of the fear of looking bad in front of others.  But do you know that those others too are fronting and would love to share, but don't want to look bad in front of you too.  What a vicious circle!!!  Maybe, we should just feel the person first, get an infinity of transparency and honesty, that way if the mouth begins to speak, you'll feel safe that that person is actually listening, regardless of the astonishment of what is going on with you, as you seem all together, but they will empathise, not judge and offer a word of encouragement.

My thought for today was, I became one of those people, well I am one of those people that keeps a lot inside.  ( You wouldn't think that, as I blatantly write a blog daily).  I choose what I need to say, when to say it and the implications it may have, whilst writing the blog.  All in honesty I might add.  The rest of the private lives stuff is mine to decipher.  But of late where keeping it all in almost sent me doolally, I had to offload.  I had to take time out and stop overthinking and taking on everyone else's problem.  Being the carer and the problem fixer.  I had run out of steam and no matter what I did to rejuvenate I fell dead flat, running on air.  It's called 'SURVIVAL MODE'.

I was told that I was living like that a few years back when I was given 24 hours to live, in a coma for 4 and half months and survived by the grace of god, a great Doctor who did everything to keep me alive in St Thomas' Hospital for 10 months, until I could walk, talk and clean my arse again...MMMMMM let me stop while I ponder!!!! (Heavy Sigh).

Anyway, the doctors upon release said 'Valerie, you will be living in Survival mode for awhile, make sure you speak to someone.  You were institutionalised, not a lot of people survive near death almost gone through the tunnel and live to tell the tale...Valerie take heed'.

Did I?  Did I f**k!!  My mother doesn't even know this.  I left hospital on 10th October and on 18th October with my zimmer frame I was transported with my frail body onto a plane to Budapest and did my first gig with a walking stick all 5 stones of me......(shaking my bloody head).

That was then, the point I am trying to make is this keeping everything in can kill you or bring you to the point of a breakdown, if you are not careful.  Luckily when it all came on top a few months back, I was able to lean on a friend.  We speak to each other every day to talk business and lo and behold she has held my hand through the Sobriety (I shouldn't have been drinking in the first place you know!! These damn relationships), then when I was totally taken advantage off.  She has been there.  I've had friends who had seen me off my trolley, but instead of asking, they judged and discarded me, when I needed them.  I don't begrudge them, as I know deep down I have been with them through every trial and tribulation, but when I needed them, they scorned, alienated and tried to ridicule, instead of understanding.

I smiled it through for the world, but this one friend, she knew and stopped to listen.  She didn't judge, she didn't cast me aside and thought, your no longer my hero.  You are not positive'  But guess what I was positive all the way through, as I didn't allow myself to falter, I admitted, looked into myself and each day when the tears wanted to fall reminding me of what I had been through, I smile to myself and said don't worry, there was a message in this all and you have now received it.

Have a fantabulous day or evening when you read my blog.

Peace Out.