Umm very subtle, sad, but to the point these words. What do these words mean to you?
These words hit me very hard when I first read them, as sometimes you have to say enough is enough, this is the end.
How many of us find ourselves holding onto Toxic relationships or things? When do you know it is toxic? How far do you have to find yourself before you let go? Are you happy with your job? This quote can be taken in so many ways, not necessarily relationship wise
I saw this from various different angles, but the most poignant one, was saying goodbye to someone who took my heart in so may ways, that I felt that when I said goodbye, my world had ended.
I'm going to share my point of view on this.....I hope you can appreciate
I didn't see that the person was clouding my vision, my personality (actually ruined my character, I will never been looked at as credible in various circles anymore, as people felt that I had dated way below my standard) and I had dropped my standards, cause I felt something for someone that overtook all my reasoning and being. Yep It was Love.
When I look back, I hated that I was not in control, I dumbed myself down to fit in with their personality, when on a normal day I wouldn't even give them the time of day. I despised that I knew every lie that came out of his mouth, but I felt powerless to contradict it, when as you guessed it, on a normal day, I would have challenged it. I kept quiet, for the fear of showing my real personality or better yet an argument or alienating them. The worse thing is knowing that my personality does not suffer fools gladly.
I asked myself when I finally did let go, (which by then I had drank myself into a stupor, almost losing my career, my family, friends and lastly my dignity), 'What did you see in him and why did he have such a power over you? Was you in such a low place that he got the better of you?'
Well to be fair, when I did meet the little blighter, I was grieving of a loss and was lonely. He came at a time I needed some attention, only to learn way down the line, and I mean waaaaay down the line, he was already a serialist cheater, liar, a deviant and preyed on unsuspecting souls that had no clue of his indecency. He actually thought he was clever. (As she rolls her eyes to the sky)
I had already succumbed to his legacy, but my alarm bells did go off on our first date, when he tried to kiss me after the pictures and I point blank refused, as I did not fancy him at all. He was not happy and even commented 'Really'? I was like 'Yeah really' It is only the pictures mate, not a trip to Monaco on a Yacht!!! (blink blink). Is what him take this thing for?? KMT.
As time went on, things were forced on his terms and we never ever got back on a decent footing.
I believe looking back, that if I was not in the position I was in, I would have definitely handled this relationship on different terms. I wouldn't have chased nor allow him to chase me or even be in the same space. I wouldn't have allowed it to go as far as it did with people even getting wind we were involved, as I would have shut it down and kicked him to the kerb where he really belonged.
I was also self medicating at the time through a haze of alcohol, due to my brother passing, so I was low and I couldn't get a grip. I used to flip my lid and do all sorts of mad drunk texting, not even realising the next day, how much of a meltdown I had had and was so unhappy with the situation. I used to get it, when I couldn't take his ways. In hindsight, if I had just got a grip and spoken to him properly face to face maybe he would have understand how unhappy he was making me and taking me for granted, but instead I lambasted him, through long winded texts and the real message got lost in translation.
Alas, I was hooked and it took ages to unhinge those crab claws away from my Scorpio back and fill the holes with Valerie gumption. That strong amazonian gumption.
HEY don't feel sorry for me, I still kept it together, still did my thang. I chupidly kept going back, every time we broke up until I got strong enough to say no more. I can't blame him, as I only can take responsibility for myself.
Funny, I was telling my mum, that he'd hurt me again, but now he's gone. My Mum said 'How many times are you going to keep taking that shit on your shoes back in the house? I'm fed up now of the smell of the shit, aren't you? Hahahahahahahahahahaha 'Mum!! really, this is somebodies child you are referring to'. Her response was 'And you are my Child and nobody gets the better of MY CHILD'. Yep that was me told.
I am sure it has happened to many of us and the lengths we have put up with either their abuse, violence, mistrust, lies, pain and more importantly losing yourself, all for the attention and love of that person.
I found that even trying to get back into the dating world, he cock blocked my every move, without even knowing it, as I was comparing them to him! Comparing what? I must've been mad. We didn't go on holidays, we didn't go out for meals, we didn't go out socially and even if we were out socially we were apart. (work that one out!!!). So what the hell did I think I was going out with? You guessed it, MYSELF. You can imagine my brain doing overtime. I got used to the scenario, but why get used to things when (not being boastful) I have an army of admirers banging on my door. Sadly, I was not ready to date until I could relate how the fart I had wasted the last 2 and half years.
You see when you hit a brick wall, and you've tried everything to let them know how you feel, the feelings gets lost in translation as they are no listening, thier heads are turned, it's all about them and there is no compromise. It is not love!!! It's about their insecurity and the control they need to bring you to heel. That's when you know it's time to go.
Love does hurt folks, when you lose someone to death, or watching a love one suffer, love of your pet, many things. Love should not bring you to your knees and allow you to lose all self control for someone who does not love you. Unfortunately, some of us do.
Don't feel bad, don't beat yourself up. You have to go through these things to make you a better person and/or share when others are in that said position, to let them know they are not alone and there are greater days ahead. We can only speak from experience.
You can still love someone from a distance, you just don't need to have them in your existence.
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