Another beautiful day has risen and I'm feeling so anxious, emotional but blessed at at the same a lot to take in if I put my hand on heart.

When I first started writing this blog, I was weary how much of myself I was hanging out to dry, (being dry the right word), How would I come across to people, am I attention seeking? Well after a long deliberation with myself, I realise that without being able to put down the crosses I had to solely bear behind closed doors, I would sink further into a bottle, comfort eat, not leaving my home, alienating people out my life, all for the fear and of what I felt I had become in the last few years. Being misunderstood by some, hated upon for being myself, gaining weight that won't shift, myn self respect being tarnished allowing situations or people I would not tolerate even on a last man earth day, showed I had hit rock bottom.

How I could I BE POISON? Those are the last words uttered to me from my drunken past by someone, whom was one of the catalyst that took me over the edge. It hit me so hard, hurtful and on a another day I would have taken it all on board, grabbed Jack Daniel for comfort and start a war of words in defence. But I had to take it on the chin, its sour grapes and as I knew they now are feeling the backlash of what I left behind months ago, it really was the past.  I HAD GROWN!!!

I know I've never done anything unintentionally to anyone. There were days, I'd wake after a good night out and my phone had so many messages, only to realise I had drunk texted to the point of "do I remember shit?" 😂😂😂  Pardon the pun "White Gril Wasted" as my white girlfriends called me. lol. Sorry I should'nt laugh, but I'm done punishing myself for that crazy phase. I have some stories that would make your hair curl and leave you running for the toilet.  You'll need to have nappies for that read...

Then there was the days when, I've gone out for one drink cane back minus bits of clothing, body sore, God knows where I'd fallen as I got wasted' no MASH UP (hand over my eyes). Apparently been seen crying in parties, like f#%k do I remember why!! 😳😳.  Give me Brandy and I became a cry baby.  But it was my pain all the angry silence I was carrying, but showing outside the biggest smile.

But as I write and a tear drops, I've stayed on the path of  not looking back to Jack and his friend Coke with Ice. No urge to hit the bottle when the mists rises in my head when missing the past resentment, anger, feelings  of loss and the urge to binge.

Today is 3 months and I'm writing again, cause I;m finally renovating ny home,  building a new home recording room, keeping busy as the new means all have an end game.  My fuck it bucket is was so full and now, I'm doing all those things I have sat and said "I soooo want to do that".  Well I am doing it.

Being an artist, sometimes we don;t get the chance to do the touristy things as our creativity has us dreaming, writing, acting to show passion and share commonly with the world.  It does not make me a prima donna, far from it.  I work hard and still maintain the music, so instead of getting my heart broken with people I am used to dealing with, I have gone back to basics.  I'm just too honest for my own good.

I don't know about you, but I've never battled weight in my life. I have been fortunate enough to eat what I like. But As the days grew and Jack was my new boyfriend, good food went out the window and self loathing took residence. I refused to take any grief counselling. I threw myself into more toxicity and finally nothing fitted in my wardrobe. I felt ugly, no self worth.

How did I get there? Me, confident VAL?? I'm not having this or that!! The will power was hard to come by, but I had the love of my bestie in Manchester, who kept me on the path, when we both had sleepness nights we shared long hours of phone conversations,.  (What the hell do we have to talk about for almost 5 hours sometimes???), she couldn't sleep fearing I'd fall off my end game, but I am made of stronger stuff than that.  I took the time out and healed.

I didn't fall and  today through my tears I am back and stronger and helping others who have found themselves worse off than me.

I'm not sure how I turned the corner and I've not once felt i need a drink. As friends went out to celebrate, there I'm doing a yoga class and I feel so rejuvenated and ready for the years to come but it's one day at a time.

Yesterday was a great time to reflect too, as a friend of mine laid her mum to rest. There are no words to comfort anyone when there is loss. I was really worried for her, as drink is her comfort. Her friends network is amazing and we'll all  stand by and let her know she's not alone especially now that both parents are gone.

It was a terrible day but one that made me truly grateful. I got home and prepared my next radio shows for the Ester. I've smiled, I've danced and just found out I've lost 4kg in 2 weeks.

I can only be honest today, I don't care who sees me as a lesser person,but I am not a VICTIM I'm a survivor.

I'm still sticking my fingers up to the traitors and non believers as I'm pissing on my own grave,not them.  The rebel is back and damn does it feel good to have that swag and confidence.

So song of the day is 'Cranes In Sky' by Solange.  I pissed it up, I sexed it up, I fucked it up, I cursed you fuckers and now my life is like Cranes in the sky.

I'm no longer angry, I'm at peace with me. There's more to this story, part two coming soon.

Thanks for reading I really appreciate it.

#3 MONTH SOBRIETY


Happy Easter beautiful people.

Why do we do it?

Scenario:

You get the early morning texts, 'Good Morning (babes, bubs, baby, Queen, Lover) have a great day (lots of kisses).  Like clockwork, you don't even need an alarm for it.

This goes on for a few weeks, months if your lucky..Lol.

Then familiarity breeds contempt...You don't respond quick enough, so the text messages get later and later, lol the messages have less kisses and then it's no kisses at all.

Now Men and Women, this is to all of you. Tell me I am wrong?!!!

Cause it is a proven fact.  Yep, experienced it. In the end, you have to give Sugar hahahahahaha.

What do I mean by Sugar? Well, you are so cheesed off the person is not responding how you want them to respond, so you are getting well anxious through the day and checking the phone, why haven't they texted yet, till you find yourself dropping a text to say 'What the hell', but sent as 'hey how you doing (baby, hunny, bubs, baba) are you ok?'  hahahahahahahahahah.  Just so you can get a response.

You see we take each other for granted, serve us right hahahahah.  Cause when the interest is in you and you like it, no you love it, we can take it for granted, but when it is not reciprocated by the interestee, that's when you start to notice and the brain goes into over drive wondering where is your normal text.  Is he/or she losing interest?  Now you want to know how come you're no longer special hahahahah, too batty hole...

Folks it works both ways.  No one has the given right to be chased, but I can say that we don't want to come across as easy, so we play the games of not giving away too much too early, scared we'll be walked all over and game over.  Seen so many games played by texts it's not funny.  My last relationship was dealt with by text purely and I can tell you in the fact be I became a verbal text abuser. Texts upon texts (as I pull my hands over my eyes), worse yet when I used to have Jack Daniels in me (now that don't sound right, but it felt good though hahahahahahahaha).  Valerie naughty, behave.

I'm old school so I like the courting and talking, preferably by phone, as texting can get lost in the feel good translation.  Too many times the things that come out in a text, especially the affairs of the heart, only gets lost in different emotions.  We could save ourselves so much broken relationships, by being honest and calling each other up or face to face better yet.

And don't be telling me you have a Pay As You Go Phone....What in this day and age or a basher phone that looks like it needs to be transported back to the past..(kmt..)???  If I see another one of you coming up to me with any of the options above, you will get the black stare and blanked into high heaven.  Don't be so damn cheap and expecting me to call you with a one ring...feisty and bright!!

So why do we do it, conduct relationships through text.  Is the phone sexing you too? I can't imagine my Iphone giving me any pleasure down there can you?  Actually don't even answer that, cause there are some seriously, seriously not normal deviants out there and Christ only knows what they get up to behind closed doors when they ain't got no fanny bits to touch (snigger).... Stop it, stop it, I can hear you...😂😂😂😂🙊

So yeah, Why Do We DO It...talk up man, talk up, I can't hear you...What you rather show your feelings through the phone than call up the person and say 'I am feeling you, you know!!'.  Or 'Come On Over to my Place'...now imagine the energy in that and the passion saying those words!! You got nothing to lose trust me...it's words, but it's how you say it..It will strike a chord and get a conversation going.

So next time when you get a new relationship, or you are still stuck in the one you are in, how about picking up the phone and saying 'Hi Babe, how's your day been?'...Then your babe will know exactly how you are feeling....

Let the conversation begin....

I love music, any kind of music, FOOTBALL is my religion

The radio is full blast, just in from yoga, (damn I hurt), the sunshine is lovely @ 10am and time for the day to really begin.

Been on the phone/iPad talking about new recording sessions, ideas, (exciting times). Music just revitalises every fibre of my being. But I've had days where just the tingle of a spoon falling to the floor, upset me. 🙃😳 I know right!!!

My equilibrium was not on point, as I kiss my teeth😤

Today my beloved Spurs are looking to extend their unbeaten run to 7 games unbeaten, 9 or is it 11 points clear of the prentenders no Squatters of North London Arsenal (arsewipes to the real supporter of football).  The scum of North Lobdon are just shite. They beat the other scum of West Ham in mid week, but who the hell is West Ham Spam? 😂😂😂. Anyone can beat them right now, Hull did, right on Par with Arsenal. Oh how the so called mighty have fallen. loool.

We've got injuries galore, Sissoko is shite, but we're still holding on tight. Chelsea are lucky,  actually they do play alright football but no flare like the mighty Spurs. 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾😉

Got to decide do I stay wrapped up instead, shop till I drop, as amongst it all, I'm renevating my home, buying DJing equipment, as well as stuff for the band too. Merchandise has come through really excited about my new T shirts love them and other little items, GO MAXFIELD.

Finish off the next Mixcloud rare groove show.  Hope I'll  get some new listeners, whilst I continue to build the new format I'm trying to create. Bloody takes time it does, but hopefully will work once I'm set up.no bedroom ting you know!!!😂😂

My cat, is trying to get some love from me whilst typing, and the little bugger bit my toe cause I wouldn't get off the Pad (Beatch). WTF.   He's lucky I don't throw him out the door feisty. But that's how needy he is. Reminds me of someone🤔 Or am I in love with my Ipad😂😂😂😂

Bloody brains ran off to a different thought ha mhahaga.

Music is still cranked, the Gardner has turned up too, can't stand The lawnmower but it has to be done. He looks at me ogling!! You'll be lucky mate, I'd rather sex me cat, than your tired arse!!😳 But it doesn't help I'm standing in over knee socks and a short jumper??? If you hear on the news a Gardner had a heart attack gardening, it's because he saw a pussy 🙊🙈😹😹😹 😂😂😂😂🙈🙊😄. Alright I'm behaving. Cut the grass already!!

So back to the music, as I shake that arse (I'm sure there's another song in there somewhere??😉😁), my what's app pings, it's my date for tonight!! 😉😉😉. Yep buddy can't wait to see moi later to day,  coochie coo!!! Who says that? He does!!😳🙃. I think I'm not liking him already 🙊🙈😹😹🙃.

Too much going on for one morning. I know I've  just recorded F1 I'm gonna climb on the sofa and watch that first, footie next and decide the day after.

Girls I've got a date (singing along), and I can't wait, I can't be late (tune in the radio)!!!!

Oh text just in 'ARE YOU GOING TO GLOWING WHITE PARTY? Ummm my answer Is AM I FUCK, wouldn't be seen dead with any of those mothersuckers. 😂😂😂. Drum and bass is the lick tonight with the living and not with vampires!!! 😂😂😂😂

Have a great day ya'I'll busy busy busy.

SOBRIETY the spice of life. 8/4/17

Excerpt from this weeks blog:  SOBRIETY is the spice of life.

                         

10 weeks no alcohol and Im ecstatic. Oh my God. I actually cannot see myself even returning to the madness of drinking because I felt broken. If and it's a big if, I would only touch alcohol to celebrate my birthday and even then I really don't need to.

I've got mojo back. Had a slight blip last week where I really missed my EX (the pile of tripe), then realised it was Aprils Fools day so used it as an excuse to justify my void and contacting him. Went as far to say I missed him!!! Eeeew (I lost my mind, I know, I know). Then my phone rang and it was my new interest that made me realise STOP IT, you're doing fab.

Yes, I'm not proud of it, but quickly got a grip and now back on track. (As I shudder, the thought that I made him feel important and me needy pisses me off. Plus I'm only human, after all).

This week though, I had to use my expertise of my past pain, to assist two very kind friends, who have literally fallen on their own swords.

1 friend whilst on holiday lost her and mum to a heart attack and my 2nd friend was attacked whilst st work. Both reached out for my help.

I looked up to the sky in tears when my friend cried her heart out for her mother, my stomach wrenched in pain as I felt that sorrow after my loss of my brother.

It was not easy to say be strong, but it's not easy for her to do it, as her dad died years ago so she's orphaned bar a bigger brother. My friend is gorgeous, full of life, 32 and is hilarious and at times quite child like. Can you imagine, she lives at home with mum, now she lives in emptiness of her shadow😔.

Each day, all I can do is listen as telling someone what to do is not what they need. They just want to talk and cry, so you let them.

My only words were take the shoulders that are being offered to you right now. As when the door closes and the funeral is over, you are left alone to get on with life. That's when the pain really begins.

I know loneliness, even though I'm not lonely per say, but when your heart has been wrapped around someone you love for so long, how do you just let it go just so? In my case, I'm still work in progress, but I know NO MATTER HOW MUCH I MISS THAT BIT OF SHIT, I will not allow myself to make contact again. I ended it, it's time let it stay ended and not try to force him back.

The worse thing he's dating a former friend of mine, so there you have it. She wanted what I had, now she's welcome to him and all the other women he has in tow when she's back home in her sunny land away from England. But that's no longer my problem.

Oh dear enough about 👆🏽That or them.. 🙈🙊😂😂. Am I ranting, sour grapes?? Nah I'm entitled to say it, without hurting. I just love Karma. 😂😂😂

So my picture quote for the day sums up love in different ways and to celebrate my 10 weeks of wonderful sobriety.