It's been a few weeks since I last wrote my blog. So much has happened, so where do I start.
Firstly, I have to go back on my own words and quote 'NEVER SAY NEVER'. NO, I am not back on the sauce (booze to those who do not use cockney slang) lol. Still got my Valerie M sober CHIP, gosh how many weeks is that now, no wait MONTHS....YES MONTHS!!
I have had a few days when the tremors almost came back. But I stood up to the challenge. My heart saw what it wanted, tried to fight the feelings, almost succumbed to the need, but knew I had come too far to go back to what made me unhappy and live in a bottle.
I have had to knuckle down and do some serious soul searching, thought I was going crazy at one point. We are not crazy species, unless we allow ourselves to be overtaken by other peoples indecencies towards you. The paranoia that you are no longer worthy, you've lost it and shutting out the world is cause for concern. I do have my down moments, but not for long, as I there are so many people worse off than myself, that I haven't got the time to wallow in self pity. Maybe I should, give myself a break, but if I do, who helps me. I have to help myself, only I can help myself plus you have to want to help yourself. It's call belief.
Just recently I have read articles about very popular people in the press, who have lived their lives in the open but behind closed doors been dealing with demons of a serious nature. Some living with Mr Daniels, (I thought Jack was my boyfriend, but looks like he is every bodies boyfriend AND girlfriend too to baxside) lol.
We just lost Chris Cornell great artist, but did you now he drank hard for years to suppress his demons? Look at Aaron Lennon, prolific footballer, that when the stress of his career took it's toll he had to be sectioned and there are so many more with mental health issues. I looked up to the sky and said, 'Lord, if only people knew the struggle to get by some days and how my strength and belief has been truly tested even now, how I am keeping out of the Lions Den, only you know I thank you Lord'. I had to make that my mantra. WHY?
I am not an addictive person, (who am I kidding, I smoked for years hahahaha) but I used alcohol as a crutch to cope with a broken heart and every time I think I have reached the road where the heart has let go and let life be, the devil sends back some shit to test my resolve. HOW SO. He brought back the love of my heart. I thought he had gone, we had called our last shots and said goodbyes, but NOPE somewhere the universe wants us to work this shit out. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
This time, I had to remember that I am the ONE, not him. I am in control, NOT HIM. It's about ME, not him. No matter what he thinks of you, I AM ME and do not change to fit around him. Easy to say or write, but when he came calling, boy did I know what to do with myself? I was a bumbling wreck.
Have you ever had all these things you want to say and when faced with the perfect moment, all you can do is shut the fuck up and smile. Whilst inside you are churning up with questions of WHY, HOW COULD YOU, I DON'T WANT YOU, but yet you do????
You can't resist their smile, their laughter, their touch, just everything and when they are gone, you feel totally useless as you let yourself down for not standing up to those feelings.
I stood up to the feelings as long as I physically could and I gave in just a little, but this time I kept my dignity. I had so much swirling in my head that I almost felt physically sick and nearly ran for Jack, but my bestie who happened to be with me for the weekend, had to say keep this shit together girl.
I cried like a baby, when he left, as we got on like a house on fire and a lot of things were discussed, but I knew deep down I could never trust Hitsheet m again, no matter what he said or my heart wanted, I could forget, but my mind would not allow me to forgive.
In the past month, I have spoken and seen him a few times, but each day I find it so much easier to resist the texting, making contact and I feel so good for it. When we do meet, I realise it's not what I want. I still ache and ask the question should I give this a go, but I know it is the wrong decision. The torment I have been through in my life, I know I was not saved from a life threatening illness to live like this or be hated by other people for my choices in life.
I have lost friends through this terrible situation, which to be fair, if I treated these people the way they have treated me when their chips were down, I'd be a shame of myself. I could never see people go without, but yet they would happily see me fall flat on my face.
It's okay I forgive them all, as there is nothing I can do and I do not want to change perceptions. I have to live for myself. If I am needed, I can be called upon.
I met someone recently and I think he can tell I am not ready to face the world and to give love, as I am so sheltered and not willing to share for the fear of my openness being rejected. He is so lovely and I wish I could reciprocate. He is everything I actually need and want, teaching me how to love again and Love me again, but am I ready? How can I be when I won't cut the cord to the past.
I have decided though for my sanity sake, not to text or make any form of contact as I m not the Bank of England and i'm done playing the fool.
So, as I reach the 5 months milestone of no booze, I am happy to stay in my lonely existence and concentrate on my music and keep myself fit and healthy as love is only just around the corner.
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