11.28.2020
11.20.2020
2.17.2020
wishing on a star: Jesus take the wheel
wishing on a star: Jesus take the wheel: 2020 the new chapter and here it begins. It's been a while since I wrote into my daily blog, but things took a down turn and what...
Jesus take the wheel
2020 the new chapter and here it begins.
It's been a while since I wrote into my daily blog, but things took a down turn and what a turmoil that was, but through it all, I still stayed 18 months sober and still counting yaaay.
I've been mentoring and getting to grips of letting things go, de-cluttering and finally back to my first love music.
I partied like a rock star in the afrobeat scene. It was my safe haven. Away from the scene I got entangled with (rare groove, soul music scene) yikes. That was a drama and a half. I know for a fact, if I had not been self medicating I wouldn't have even known half those reprobates. Ooops my bad. No, not bad I mean it.
Awful people, well some, anyway. The men are so antiquated and I mean it must be a cultural thing cause they are all the SAME, lord of mercy, Christ on his bike. Do you know how many times I had to call Jesus to come and take the wheel??? Loads.
I feel like I have aged 15 years more than I needed to be aged, but it was my choice no one put a gun to my head, but I certainly knew how to self destruct.!!!
If my oldest and dearest friends were to listen to half of what I got up to, they would know I had certainly lost the plot and had shit blocks in my eyes, in terms of the men I had entertained.
Now people when I say entertained, I'm not talking sexually, cause if it was sexually I would have cut off my cliteris and joined the nunnery, but no, I was skinning teeth and chatting bullshit to pass the time. Whilst giving away my hard earned money to every Tom Dick and Johnny cause they all seem to be bruk pocket. Yes, I said it, trying to walk in side bend shoes, pretty trousers, not seen a dentist in years but trying to show that they have swag. What they had was Tesco Bag!!!
KMFRCT and then the one's who did scrub up ok, just was boring as fart. It's me, I know it's gotta be me, I'm asking too much aren't I? NOT.
Now, I'm sober, I couldn't care less, I just smile and just say 'Oh Bless You' and keep it moving. Keeping my cliteris intact, which may never be touched again, if these imbecilic moron continues to keep coming my way.
But in fairness, I now have no baggage, so my dream boat Tom Hardy, I'm waiting for you mate...Over here. Come On!!!
I should be so lucky.
On a more positive note though. I finally got my album back on track and releasing my back catalogue in order to bring out the new stuff. Can't wait to be in the studio rehearsing with the band and then singing in any old venue, whether a pub or a grand venue, music is where the heart is.
See you next week for my next journal, cause people, this was a just a taster of what really has been transpiring in the last 8 months.
Oh and join me for my first podcast 28th Feb and my new Vlog show 'In My Bedroom' in March..
See you soon Mwah.
5.02.2019
WHEN DOES IT STOP
Been a while since I blogged, but it took me to get fucked over AGAIN, to start finishing the long awaited book, DRAMA, before I felt I could let these fingers of mine blog freely and do not care who gets or carry feelings about what I have to say....life's too short and I'll be dead soon, so love it or don't read it.
WHEN DOES IT STOP!!!1
Call me old fashioned, which has nothing to do with age, but with good upbringing, but when did it become acceptable for Male or Female to begin communicating on a sexual level before we even have had the chance to hook up for a drink/coffee?
Yo, I do not understand how you can take one look at my picture and feel that you want to have sex with me before you even know who I am. But you feel that I am down with the programme to have sex talk before you even brush your teeth in the morning.
I for one is fed up of it. Unless I actually went on a hook up site (which it looks like a lot of you seem to be doing now), why are you asking me 'What Position do I like'?? Really!! I shut the conversation down straight away.
Now, some would say, I am being prudish and old foggie. Nooooo. It's called getting to know you. Getting to know if I need to be in your company for any form of date. Do you make me laugh? What are your life goals? What is going on in your head. Who the ff*&k are you? Am I wasting my precious time with someone whose boring the shit of out me? No, I do not want to know what size your dick is and if you like to know if I spray water when I am having sex!!!
Listen to me, the world is in a bad space, women have allowed themselves to have these nasty worthless conversations and spread their legs more than butter on bread.
This is why we have some many dysfunctional young ladies, cause rather than know who they are as a person, they fall into the trap of being what the men want them to be. By doing this, they lose their souls, their beauty, their dignity, their goodness that is deep within. Instead, comes vanity, insecurity, aggy characters, side chicks, numerous baby daddies and STDs.
Women are constantly airing their woes about another women online, when the man is sitting back with their friends, calling the girls whores and laughing at the them. They don't respect them. They only respect that they either have a little bit of money, that their girl looks like instagram fakers, that they have the latest Gucci's, can ride with their homies and can get pu&*y when they want it.
This is what we as a society have allowed ourselves to fall into.
Then you have grown arse men, (40+ going on 25) now in the gym perfecting their bodies to look like 35 year olds, so they can get 25 year olds, whilst their offsprings are on the street with not a pot to piss in and pregnating other young ladies the same age as their grown arse children. WTF.
You Paedophiles.....
Ladies you don't escape this either. stop giving to what a man wants when you are wanting yourselves. Imagine, you seeing a guy, who cannot even hold your hand in public, nor buy you a bottle of water, but you Love Him. Are you crackers, you mean you don't love yourself.
I know some Ladies prefer younger guys and I will write about that in a separate blog later next week.
I get requests all day long, the latest is 'I want you?' My response is. Do you now? Why? For What? Cause if it is for sexual purposes, then you are on your own mate..this pu%y rather stay dried up. Naff Orf.
3.16.2018
Letter to let go.
I find I'm still in love with you. I needed to say this to you and out loud, to control my energy & power of who I am & To stop the tight cock holding thoughts of you for one more night. Please read this with Love.
I'm not going to fight it anymore, because admitting it will allow me to continue to grow and not lie to myself or another, who ARE in love with me, but them knowing I still loved YOU.
To stop hating you for rejecting me, I can let go that pain as I say these words to set me free.
I'm not ashamed to tell you, as we are human and I know that you don't love me, but enjoy playing how many of us women you can get to like you. I don't want to be in love with you, but I do know I don't want you back.
I was and am still jealous your with someone else, but I genuinely am happy for you both, what I hate is your arrogance of whom you've become, cause I know the real you and that is a real turn off. I'm still your friend and will always love you and wish you well.
The Attention for you I can now finally turn off, as I admitted the demon and can move on. I know you found me a joke. I hope these last words resonate with kindness and not ignorance and kissing of teeth. We're from two different worlds and especially how we feel love, I guess you'll never understand. I hope one day you'll get that I was the one. 💜💜💕💕💋🙏🏾
Like yourself first.
WHY THE F#%K AM I HERE
It's been a while since I blogged but This week I faced up to a demon and it felt good. I was able to tell my ex that it was ok to still love him, but as a friend and could never want him back again. He laughed at me and has condescendingly responded with a kiss.
It was a great feeling for me, how he took it, I don't really care. He's with others now, but for me it was great to put that demon to bed. To acknowledge how I felt but I could leave him to it and move. So liberating.
There's nothing wrong with loving someone who hurt you, even when they continue to laugh at you, but the joke is on them.
Never let anyone make you feel worthless. In the past I'd be angry, but now I feel pity and pity his partner too, as god only knows what's to come, when she finds out he still wants to play away from home.
I found it creepy and distasteful when we briefly spoke, asking if I loved him and how he remembered our bedroom antics. I almost puked.
I don't remember none of it, as he wasn't that memorable to be honest.
I love writing, talking and now my book is in it's second instalment, I'm looking forward to telling what really happened from my side of the fence and how habitually i abused my life, then turned it around.
I had to finally be honest to my new partner that I still loved my ex, I had to say it out loud and the power it gave me to stop the cheating and rejection pain, was enormous but such a relief.
We've said we want to maintain a friendship, but I don't and he's decided that he is now on the up and I'm old news. That's ok, you can't keep people down even when you know their really a clown.
Music brought us together and I started to hate music because of him, but it wasn't him, it was myself I hated for being duped by a, no good, worthless bum. It's ok, he knows I call him that and more.
We've had some ding dongs, in the past ha lool but safe to say, those are memories no more.
The pages of my book, brought tears today, I got an outsider to read some of the chapters and they cried too. A man I might add, because he wished he was there for me when I was being mistreated and felt it was unfair.
I thank my friend for the advice he shared and I hope my book will inspire and let people know never be afraid, even when in pain.
Valerie M
11.06.2017
ODE TO ELIZABETH Nee McCalla BOLTON
On 18th July 1927 Elizabeth McCalla was born. My Grandmother. She prided herself being royalty hahahaha. As she was born the same year as the Queen and was graced with the name Elizabeth.
There are so many stories to give you about this woman, but she was classy, graceful and had the spirit of no one I know. The same spirit she passed down to myself as she took over the mantle of bringing me up, as my mother had three of us, one after the other. My Grandmother stepped in and said Valerie is mine.
My Grandmother was a shrewd operator, but also a big softee at heart, not that anyone would know it. She said exactly what she was going to do and put up with the crap, but in the end the crap made sure it had to live with her, not her living with it.
After coming to the UK in the Windrush era, she settled down in North London - Harringay and brought over her children, |Ronald Bolton, Violet Maxfield and then at the age of 48 she had Sharon Bolton in the United Kingdom. I know 48, shock bloody horror, who does that? But yes, she did...Love that woman, talk about gound breaker hahahahahaha.
As I said she worked as a Nurse for years and took the hearts of so many people and was a stalwart in her church in Stoke Newington.
She moved moved from Harringay to Hackney, taking myself and Sharon with her and we resided in Colvestone Crescent and Mildmay Grove before deciding in 1976 to imigrate back to her homeland of Jamaica. She had meticulously with her husband Mr Bolton (my PAPA) and built their dream 5 bedroom home lavishing in Willowdene, Spanish Town. It was all full of ex-pats from the UK, USA and CAN|ADA.
My Gran was so strict. |Even if a boy stared at me, she called him out. She would shout fromn the vernandah 'Is what you looking at eeh'. She is not a dog, she is not interested' Go away'. Now imgine that in Jamaican Patois and the look to go with it!!! Lol not many boys looked in my direction. She was so coy at not letting on, that she knew about my crush on my first ever childhood romance from a distance. I used to hang out with boy every girl wanted in my area. He was the dead look like for the original young Michael Jackson. He cme from a well to do family and he was adorable. We shared everything, we just hang and shoot the breeze, taught me to ride a motorbike all before the age of 14 on the rough roads of Jamaica.
Oh did I forget to say, yes my Grandmother took me way with her to Jamiaca and there I stayed and ws chooled until my return on my 16th birthday. 4 and half years of great eye opening wisdom in the West Indies. At first, I hated it. I felt cheated that my other siblings were left behind, so why me? But in hindsight, it was the best thing that ever happened in my life. I got to grow with a difference, a sense of humbleness, not being spoilt with things I could have in the UK. Don't get me wrong I was certainly well off in Jamaica, more than some, but I learnt to achieve and do things with the use of the mind and simplicity.
BACK TO THE STORY
So Keithin, my childhood crush was a tad older than me but he was the true gentleman. My Gran got on with his family and little did I know they were grooming me to be his girl. I was going to be the one. Keithin was wild, adventurous, a traveller, an awesome guy. To be honest it was like living in the sunshine, by sea daily, being children turning into adults, not a care in the world. typical Movies 4+ on the sky channel. Then one day I was told he was going away for a while to the America. I was heartbroken, but as time went by he wanted to come home, by then there was a full blownscale political war going on in Jamica in the 80's and after watching my best friend being shot one day after school, I finally demanded to come home to the UK.
Luckily before I left I got the chance to see Keithin and betrothed that I would be back and we will get together. So off I gointo the sunset and we would write letters to each other and loved from a distance. I still have those letters somewhere in my loft. A few years later, I got a letter letting me know that Keithin had been killed in a motorbike accident. I cannot explain my devastation but I will save that for another story, but my Gran made me know, she knew and hoped he was going to be her son-in-law and all this time we were keeping it quiet she knew. That ws the perception of this woman God rest her soul.
She ensured I was in church every day of the week. I| sang from the age of 6 and was a child singing prodigy back then. God knows what happened to me now (as I roll my eyes).
Anyway, she was really strict and made sure that my dreams were never distracted, that my dreams were achievable. That no matter what anyone threw at me, I can overcome them regardless of the pain.
I watched my Mum (gran, but I called her Mum), in pain for as long as I can remember. She had an accident in the early seventies in the Hospital where she worked, almost breaking her ankle, but she never ever got it treated right and it became her worst nightmare in the latter part of her life. It hinder her to no end. (That's why you should always check out any injuries, for as time goes on it will become arthritic and cause problems\).
Mum had heart ailments, but was in Church speaking to the youths, guiding them, taking them in like a refuge. The amount of young ladies that she had taken under wings are countless. These ladies are now pillars of their community, here in the UK, USA and Canada. Her energy and devotion for these youths never waivered.
Her compassion, was boundless. She was feisty, direct, but it worked.
She loved me with all her heart and it showed. She ensured I got into the best schools and I passed with flying colours. She encouraged my endevours when I opened up the first community centre in Spanish Town for the youngsters to do things and supported me when no one else would.
Going back to a little story, which is not pleasant. I can't give it too much of the story away as it will hurt the people or remind these people what they did to her, but my Gran owned a house in Colvestone Crescent and as I said she would take in lodgers/family.
I recall my poor Grandmother being set upon by members of the family calling her names, due to jealousy and spreading malicious gossip about her. Family meetings were held and she tried to fight her corner to disperse the jealousy coming from her own flesh and blood, but to no end. This prompted my poor Mum to sell up and come back to her homeland. I watched as she was spat at from her sibling's children and I could do nothing about it, but watch, as I was too young to even say anything. But what I do recall was her silence, her strength to look to god, not hate her family and keep it moving. I knew deep down she was hurting. I knew deep down she was not going to stoop and I knew deep down she did not want to let me see how weak and hurt she was.
What I did was to not ever associate with that part of the family. To be honest I do not think they even recall doing these awful things to her, they were children and all but one of her siblings have now departed this world, so to save their embarassment I'll say as little as possible, but that has lived and scarred me forever and I have never ever forgotten and find it hard to forgive them, as she has.
Now that she has passed on 5th November 2017 all the memories are flooding in and the tears won't stop flowing, but her death has opened the floodgate and some great childhood memories, I am looking forward to writing about.
I can't write anymore, as I cannot see the screen or the keyboard through my tears and the words are starting to sound so muffled in my head due to the pain of not being able to pick up that phone and hear her voice shouting 'Valerie is that you? Hello, Hello' in her strong jamaican accent.
Thank you for reading.
R.I.E.P Mum
5.20.2017
LOVE IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER
LOVE IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER
It's been a few weeks since I last wrote my blog. So much has happened, so where do I start.
Firstly, I have to go back on my own words and quote 'NEVER SAY NEVER'. NO, I am not back on the sauce (booze to those who do not use cockney slang) lol. Still got my Valerie M sober CHIP, gosh how many weeks is that now, no wait MONTHS....YES MONTHS!!
I have had a few days when the tremors almost came back. But I stood up to the challenge. My heart saw what it wanted, tried to fight the feelings, almost succumbed to the need, but knew I had come too far to go back to what made me unhappy and live in a bottle.
I have had to knuckle down and do some serious soul searching, thought I was going crazy at one point. We are not crazy species, unless we allow ourselves to be overtaken by other peoples indecencies towards you. The paranoia that you are no longer worthy, you've lost it and shutting out the world is cause for concern. I do have my down moments, but not for long, as I there are so many people worse off than myself, that I haven't got the time to wallow in self pity. Maybe I should, give myself a break, but if I do, who helps me. I have to help myself, only I can help myself plus you have to want to help yourself. It's call belief.
Just recently I have read articles about very popular people in the press, who have lived their lives in the open but behind closed doors been dealing with demons of a serious nature. Some living with Mr Daniels, (I thought Jack was my boyfriend, but looks like he is every bodies boyfriend AND girlfriend too to baxside) lol.
We just lost Chris Cornell great artist, but did you now he drank hard for years to suppress his demons? Look at Aaron Lennon, prolific footballer, that when the stress of his career took it's toll he had to be sectioned and there are so many more with mental health issues. I looked up to the sky and said, 'Lord, if only people knew the struggle to get by some days and how my strength and belief has been truly tested even now, how I am keeping out of the Lions Den, only you know I thank you Lord'. I had to make that my mantra. WHY?
I am not an addictive person, (who am I kidding, I smoked for years hahahaha) but I used alcohol as a crutch to cope with a broken heart and every time I think I have reached the road where the heart has let go and let life be, the devil sends back some shit to test my resolve. HOW SO. He brought back the love of my heart. I thought he had gone, we had called our last shots and said goodbyes, but NOPE somewhere the universe wants us to work this shit out. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
This time, I had to remember that I am the ONE, not him. I am in control, NOT HIM. It's about ME, not him. No matter what he thinks of you, I AM ME and do not change to fit around him. Easy to say or write, but when he came calling, boy did I know what to do with myself? I was a bumbling wreck.
Have you ever had all these things you want to say and when faced with the perfect moment, all you can do is shut the fuck up and smile. Whilst inside you are churning up with questions of WHY, HOW COULD YOU, I DON'T WANT YOU, but yet you do????
You can't resist their smile, their laughter, their touch, just everything and when they are gone, you feel totally useless as you let yourself down for not standing up to those feelings.
I stood up to the feelings as long as I physically could and I gave in just a little, but this time I kept my dignity. I had so much swirling in my head that I almost felt physically sick and nearly ran for Jack, but my bestie who happened to be with me for the weekend, had to say keep this shit together girl.
I cried like a baby, when he left, as we got on like a house on fire and a lot of things were discussed, but I knew deep down I could never trust Hitsheet m again, no matter what he said or my heart wanted, I could forget, but my mind would not allow me to forgive.
In the past month, I have spoken and seen him a few times, but each day I find it so much easier to resist the texting, making contact and I feel so good for it. When we do meet, I realise it's not what I want. I still ache and ask the question should I give this a go, but I know it is the wrong decision. The torment I have been through in my life, I know I was not saved from a life threatening illness to live like this or be hated by other people for my choices in life.
I have lost friends through this terrible situation, which to be fair, if I treated these people the way they have treated me when their chips were down, I'd be a shame of myself. I could never see people go without, but yet they would happily see me fall flat on my face.
It's okay I forgive them all, as there is nothing I can do and I do not want to change perceptions. I have to live for myself. If I am needed, I can be called upon.
I met someone recently and I think he can tell I am not ready to face the world and to give love, as I am so sheltered and not willing to share for the fear of my openness being rejected. He is so lovely and I wish I could reciprocate. He is everything I actually need and want, teaching me how to love again and Love me again, but am I ready? How can I be when I won't cut the cord to the past.
I have decided though for my sanity sake, not to text or make any form of contact as I m not the Bank of England and i'm done playing the fool.
So, as I reach the 5 months milestone of no booze, I am happy to stay in my lonely existence and concentrate on my music and keep myself fit and healthy as love is only just around the corner.
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